Updated Aug 2022

Our psychologists work with children and teens with all kinds of challenges and struggles. Some of them are managing grief, some are struggling with anxiety. Some of them have challenges related to frustration. Others have life challenges.

There are many strategies and approaches we use as therapists to support these young people. However one of these strategies is to teach children to use some specific sentences which would be useful in helping them act in different ways and to feel differently.

For example, we might have worked with some kids to say things like "It's no big deal". "I can cope". "I'm fine with this". "You go first, I don't mind". "I will be okay". "I can do this".

Teaching kids the words first might seem backwards to some people. Perhaps they might think we need to first help kids FEEL more confident, to ACT more kindly, to FEEL calmer, to ACT in more co-operative ways. The rationale goes like this - if they feel more like this, and acting more like this - then the "I'm okay" and "You go first" sentences would follow.

If there were quick and easy ways to help children feel more like this, then that would work well. But this is often a slow process. And in the meantime, we often discover that when we give kids the actual words - the exact sentences to say - (and we help their parents/caregivers praise and coach kids to say these words), children do THEN start to feel differently and act differently.

You might like to try this out at home. Think of a very specific, and particular aspect of your child's or young person’s behaviour you would like to see change. Perhaps it is acting more co-operatively with their sibling. Perhaps it is being positive about turning off the computer. Perhaps it is feeling confident as they go off to school. Now think of a sentence that they would likely to be saying or thinking as they are doing that very thing. For example: "I'm happy to share with you", "No worries, I like drawing too", "I can do this".

Then think about how you might request, coach, support and thanks children and young people for using these sentences. This might be a conversation. It might be writing them down. It might be a rehearsal.

For some younger children, you could write all of the sentences in a list - with the title of "calm words" or "kind words" or "positive words" - the title of the list will depend on what fits the list best. You might ask your child if they are prepared to work on having a "calm/kind/positive words" week. Tell them you are going to notice every time they say one of the sentences on the poster. Praise and thank them for doing so. In some cases, you might like to use some small rewards.

It’s important to explain to young people and children that it is okay if they don’t believe the words 100%. 100% of the time. Sometimes just practicing these sentences can help with shifting feelings and behaviours.

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has videos and activity sheets for children on how to reassure ourselves using calm words, as well as helpful articles and videos for parents/carers. To find out more please click below:

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