If you ask parents what they most want for their child, many will say something like this:  “I just want my child to be happy”.  Whilst most of us know, at a logical level, that we can’t make this happen, seeing our children frequently or deeply sad, is very confronting.

Observing sadness in our children often feels different to parents than it does to observe them experience other emotions.  When we see our child anxious, frustrated or even disappointed it feels to us that these are normal, temporary and resolvable.  We also feel like there is a role for us to teach and support our children through these emotions. 

But seeing our children experience frequent or strong sadness – and not being able to make them feel better – is much more painful.  It can make parents feel helpless, frustrated, worried – and like a failure at some very deep level.   It feels “wrong” in some subconscious way.

However, the truth is - it is not uncommon for children to experience times of sadness.   Although only about 2-3% of prepubertal children will experience the type and extent of sadness psychologists will diagnose as a formal depressive disorder, many more children experience slightly less severe – but still persistent and frequent – sadness at some point during their childhood.

As parents, it is important for us to help our children/teens get enough sleep.  Part of this involves us teaching young people about sleep issues; why sleep is important and how to get enough.  But other than "you need to get enough sleep" - what exactly should we be telling them?  What do they need to know?

Here are the 12 most important sleep concepts I think children and teens should know about, and the words you can use to teach them about these concepts.

1. "Some people need more sleep, and some need less.  The best way to know if you haven’t got enough sleep is whether you are sleepy the next day."  

Young people (and sometimes adults too) can get fixated on how many "numbers" of hours of sleep they need. Unfortunately it's not this simple.  There have been more than one hundred different sets of guidelines published by many different health bodies over the last hundred years.  Also, some young people need more sleep than average, and some need less. 

Homework is often a stressful experience for both young people and their parents.  Research has shown homework is a significant source of family stress and conflict.  The more homework a young person has and the less confident a parent feels in their ability to help their young person - the more likely families are to report high stress levels.

This is not an insignificant problem in our society.  Some studies have even found that parents’ daily level of anxiety/depression is higher on days when they spend more time helping their child with homework.

Cross community research suggests about 15% of young people are identified by their teacher as having some kind of extra learning needs – and for them, homework is particularly likely to be the cause of significant family stress.

How much and what type of homework young people should do is still being debated among teachers, academics and parents – and there are a range of homework policies and practices which occur in different schools.  

In the meantime, parents still have to figure out how what to say to young people who feel they are not “smart enough” or lack confidence in their abilty to complete homework tasks, and who say “I can’t do it” or “this is too hard” regularly.

One of the great joys of parenting is watching children play happily together.  There’s nothing quite like the magic of seeing children laugh and have fun together, or watching children use their imagination, come up with a creative game and act it out.

Of course, in the real world (goodbye Johnson and Johnson moment) it doesn’t always happen that way.  Instead, we often hear yelling and tears:  “that’s not fair!”, “who said you were the boss??” and screaming and storming off sometimes ensues!

At this point, it’s much less delightful, it must be said. :) 

While some kids will often eventually resolve the conflict themselves, some (think kids with big feelings, strong independent streaks or difficulties with flexibility just to name a few) find it harder.  And for ALL children, sometimes play just gets hard. 

It can be helpful for us as adults to proactively provide a few tips, coach and help children learn to play games kindly and fairly with each other.

Generally it’s better to do this kind of coaching before the problems begin, and to also ask children to think about specific games they play rather than “playing” in general.   Here are a few specifics in coaching children to play kindly and fairly.

These days part of my role involves supporting a team of people to work it with young people.  This means I get to read delightful publications such as the Harvard Business Review - something I never imagined myself doing many years ago!  However it seems I can't take off my "clinical psychologist hat" - while I'm reading these articles thoughts often come to mind about how the concepts apply to working with young people in the therapy room.

For instance, I've just been reading about what organisational psychologists call: "Post implementation reviews" which from my (albeit limited) understanding thus far seem to be the process of reviewing a project with a team after it is completed.  From the length of the article I'm assuming there must be more to them than this (?) but apparently doing a PIR (yes - there is an acronym :)) after the completion of a project significantly improves the performance of the team in their next project, even if the projects are unrelated.

This has made me think about the "PIR's" we do with children and teens about their school year.  As it draws to a close, I regularly spend time with the young people I work with asking them to reflect on what the year was like for them and what they'd like to do next year.  I believe these conversations often help them - socially, emotionally and academically - in the following year.

I think these conversations are worth having at home too.  

Here's how to do your own PIR (see, now it's part of your vocab too) with your child/teen. 

1. Set up the conversation

Many kids and teens are not initially particularly interested in a conversation about their school year (as you know many kids/teens are fairly focused on non-school related excitements).  So as adults we need to make the process worthwhile for them and help motivate them to do it.  We can do this by explaining it's potential benefits and also making it worthwhile for them in some other way.  Here are some example comments you could make to do this:

I'd like to have a quick conversation about the school year and how you felt about it.  I'm really interested in how it felt to you, how I could support you better next year and what you think you'd like to keep doing - or do differently - next year.

Could we talk about the year?  I'd like to know what it was like for you.

How about we go out for hot chocolate/go for a walk/go for a drive to (child/teen's favourite spot) to talk about what you thought worked well for you this year at school?

I always find I learn something from thinking back on the year and how it went, I'd like to do this with you - it won't take long - do you have any ideas on when or how you'd like to do this?

Another equally workable option for some kids and teens is to not introduce the conversation at all - but just to find some time together and ask the questions and see how many they can tolerate before you have to leave it and try again another day.

2. Don't turn the conversation into a lecture

Kids and teens are pretty sensitive to picking up when conversations have "lectures" sneakily hidden in the middle.   They often then feel annoyed or switch off.  It's important therefore to not use this conversation as a way of providing lots of our own advice or opinions.

This is not to say as parents/carers we won't have anything to say or offer - but if we really want to help them develop their own self reflection skills, it's important in this particular conversation to do much less of the advice giving, and much more of the being curious, interested and supportive.

3. Prepare questions to ask

Kids and teens are not always skilled at reflecting without specific guidance.  This means it is helpful for us to have some questions ready to go.   I'd like to help out here with some ideas and I've listed them below.  

You'll see if focused on two key areas worth reviewing in relation to the past school year for young people - their peer relationships and how they managed their learning.

I've included some sample phrasing for teens as well as for children in primary school Obviously just adjust to your own child/teen's level of communication.

Reviewing the past year in relation to social and peer relationships

Sample Questions for children

• Tell me about two fun or enjoyable times you had with friends this year.  What were you doing or talking about in these fun times?
• What could you do to have more fun or enjoyable times with friends next year?
• Tell me about two times you felt frustrated, hurt or sad with friends or classmates this year.  What happened?
• What did you do to fix or feel better about these situations?
• Is there anything you could do to avoid these situations happening next year?
• Think of someone in your class who is a really good friend - what did you learn from them this year about being a good friend?
• What would you like to do or say more or less of next year which would help you have better friendships?

Sample Questions for teens

• Who did you feel closest to during the year?
• How have your friendships - and you as a friend - changed over the last 12 months?
• What were the tough times you had with friends this year?
• What did you learn from those tough times?
• What would you like to do more or less of next year - to help you have better friendships at school?

Reviewing the past year in relation to learning and school work

Sample Questions for children

• What two topics or subjects did you most like learning about this year?
• Why did you like these?
• Could you tell me about a project/assignment/test/piece of work you did this year that you felt proud of?
• What did you do or say that helped you get a good result?
• Could you tell me about a project/assignment/test/piece of work you did this year that you were disappointed in?
• What did you do or say that didn't work well?
• Tell me two things you'd like to do more or less of next year to help you feel better about your school work. (If children are stuck for ideas, prompt them with these prompts:  how about when you are sitting on the mat, working at your desk, doing homework, working in groups)
• Can you think of something your teacher did or said this year which helped you learn or think?
• How often did you ask for help this year when you were stuck or confused?  Is there anything that stopped you from asking for help?
• Can you remember a time when you forgot to finish something or bring something you needed home/from school?  What could you do next year to help you remember things when you need them?

Sample questions for teens

• What two topics or subjects did you most like learning about this year?
• Why did you like these?
• Tell me about a project/assignment/test/piece of work you did this year that you felt proud of?
• What did you do or say that helped you get a good result?
• Could you tell me about a project/assignment/test/piece of work you did this year that you were disappointed in?
• What did you do or say that didn't work well?
• Could you tell me a couple of things you'd like to do more or less of next year to help you feel good about your learning? (If teens are stuck for ideas, prompt them with these prompts:  how about when you are listening to teachers in class, working on computers/in your book, in homework, working in groups) .
• Which teachers did you have the best relationships with this year? Why was that?
• What did you do or say with those teachers which helped you have a good relationship with them?
• How often did you ask for help or clarification with something this year?  What stopped you from doing this?  Is there anything you could do next year to ask for help more often?
• Could you tell me about a couple of times when you forgot to do something/bring something to school or home that you needed?  Is there anything you could have done to have avoided that happening?  Do you have any plans for next year to help you remember these things more often?
  
  And finally, a couple of final questions about parent/carer-student relationships

For children...

• Is there anything you think I don't understand about what school is like for you?
• Is there anything I can do to help you feel better about school and your learning next year?
  
  For teens
• Can you remember any times when you felt I was understanding and supported you during your school year this year?  Can you remember any times when you didn't feel I understood or supported you?
• Is there anything I could do next year to be more supportive and understanding?  Is there anything you could do to help me act this way towards you?
  
  4. Don't take full responsibility for this conversation - or their learning journey

Remember, as parents/carers it is not our responsibility to manage every aspect of our young people's learning.  Of course as parents we do have a responsibility to coach them through it, provide opportunities for them to reflect on their learning and help them get better at learning skills - but at the end of the day - this is their journey.

Good luck!

Kirrilie

For those of you with primary aged children and who are members of Calm Kid Central, I have an "activity" sheet for children with the questions above preprinted on it, which you can download/print out for children to complete if you like.  If you are not a member of Calm Kid Central, click on the button below to find out more.