Updated Aug 22

Every week we meet “homework worriers”: children who get very anxious about getting homework done, and getting it right. Homework Worriers do things like:

Spend excessive amounts of time on a simple homework task
Cry or be teary before and during homework
Ask for lots of help and reassurance during homework, more than expected for their age/the task
Act irritably or get frustrated when someone tries to help
Say, “I can’t do it!” or “it’s too hard”, or “I’m not doing it right”
Complain about reminders to start homework, or try to avoid it
Get very upset if they get something wrong
Worry that their teacher will be disappointed in them or get angry with them

There are lots of reasons for anxiety about homework - sometimes this anxiety is linked with other mental health, emotional or life challenges children have.

Usually the first step is for us to discuss this with teachers to see what their thoughts and ideas are. It’s really important a teacher knows about persistent worrying about homework. It may be that a child additional support, help or understanding - it may be that an assessment of their learning skills needs to happen. It may be that homework should be reduced - there is a lot of debate about how much (and if any) homework primary aged children should have, with many experts feeling as though it should not be set at all.

However, there are also somethings parents might be able to do to help children cope with anxiety about homework.

We have listed some of these below. Unfortunately none of these ideas are instant solutions, but hopefully some of these might be helpful for some children and families

Empathise with your child. Homework and assessment is understandably tough at times. Just for a minute: remember the last time you were assessed on something at work, had someone grading you or looking at your performance. It was somewhat nerve wracking right? Homework can be similarly scary. Some children also show their anxiety via acting in angry or aggressive ways. As much as you can, try not to take this personally and instead help them know you “see” them and their struggle. You might say “I’m sorry you feel so stressed about this” or “I can see you are feeling a bit worried about this” or “It’s tough when the work is hard isn’t it” or “I’m sorry that you are finding this a bit scary”. Brief, calm statements of care and understanding can help children feel heard, and sometimes this is enough to help them calm down.
Help the child to calm their body. Ask them to take three deep, slow breaths. Do it with them! Slower and deeper breathing leads to less “anxiety chemicals” in the brain which means they will learn and remember better.
At least on some occasions, try to help your child figure out exactly what is worrying them about homework. Ask questions like: “What do you think might happen if you don’t finish this/get this right?” or “What is something you really don’t like about making mistakes” or “what is the hardest or most unpleasant thing about doing this/handing this up?” or “What do you think your teacher/friends/I might think if you don’t finish this/get this wrong?”. Write all your child’s worries about homework down on a piece of paper with them. This will help you know how to reassure your child, but more importantly will help your child think about their anxiety more clearly.
Help your child talk themselves with their teacher about their worries. (Warn the teacher in advance so they can be prepared). Ask your child to bring the paper in with their worried thoughts on it, and discuss them with the teacher. Most teachers are happy to help reassure children and help them feel calmer.
Ask your child to help you think of some “calm sentences” about homework. For example, “My teacher hardly ever gets mad with me, and even if they do, it’s not the end of the world”; “I can do SOME of this, and it’s okay if I can’t do it all” or “I’ll just try my best and ask for more help tomorrow”. Again, write these calm sentences down. Writing has more impact than just saying it out loud. Put the calm sentences on cards that the child can read through themselves when they are worried. This helps build the child’s own skills in dealing with their fears rather than always needing us to be reassuring them ourselves.
Try to help children remind themselves of the reassurance/calm thoughts they’ve received from you and others when they are stressed. When your child says worried things, ask them, “Is there any of your calm sentences you could read that might help with that?”. Don’t expect that a “one time” reading or writing of the calm sentences will fix the problem. The child needs to remind themselves of these calm sentences in an ongoing way. Have them around you whenever homework is getting tough.
If you and your child’s teacher believe homework is appropriate - choose a set, very short time for homework (ask you child to help you choose when this should be - for some children this is straight after school so they have less time to worry, and they get it out the way. For other children it helps if they have run around, eaten and rested) and tell your child you will all “stick” (strictly) to this routine for just one month and then see how it goes. For some children, a strict routine actually easies anxiety.
For some children, a few “let’s do it wrong on purpose” homework nights can help homework worriers learn to de-catastrophise about getting things wrong. On these nights, get the child to read all of their sight words wrong on purpose, write all their spelling words completely wrong and do things as fast and messily as possible (let the teacher know about this). The child will see that even though they got 0/10 – they survived, and no-one died.
If you are working closely with your child on homework, then at some point you will need to train them in “homework communication”. Teach them how to take advice from you, how to tell you their opinion and how to calmly express their worry rather than communicate it in a rude, panicked way. You will need to teach them the words to say, and remind them of it. Say: “You know when you think I’m wrong, instead of saying “you’re wrong”, you could say, “Mum I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to do.” Could you try that?”” This training will take a while. Try to be patient. You can also ask them how you might be able to communicate with them about homework in ways that are more helpful for them.
Work on our own patience levels during homework times. It may be that we don’t try to do a hundred other things during homework time. Even if we are not actively helping, for many homework worriers, having a calm, “not rushed” parent available in the background is useful. If you yell and get impatient, don’t get too mad at yourself. Most parents struggle with this at times. Just take a deep breathe, apologise and give yourself some time out. Then try again.
If you find it impossible to be calm with your homework worrier – despite trying all of the above - you might need to see if you can find someone else to help your child for a while. Can another parent do it – at least on some nights? Is there a Grandparent around who could help? One parent I worked with, had so much stress and conflict over homework they employed a local high school student (who was much calmer and more patient) to come in a couple of nights a week to help with homework instead of the parent doing it every night. Immediately this parents’ relationship with their child improved.

Keep in mind that all of the above are options to consider - and some of these may not be right for your child. Pick one or two that feel like they might be helpful to try. Also remember that this is a tough battle for many families, and it is essential to be patient, kind and gentle with yourself as a parent too. Try to keep a big picture perspective - kids will not be doing homework for ever, and while getting homework done is sometimes important - the relationship we have with them matters far more than the amount of homework completed.

If you continue to struggle with your homework worrier, it can be helpful to get some advice from a health or education professional. Talk more with a school counsellor, child psychologist, doctor or school teacher/leader.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has a video and activity sheet for children about how to catch and understand worried thoughts. There is also a video and tip sheet for parents/carers on helping anxious kids get calm by relaxing their bodies. To find out more click below:

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