Updated Aug 2022

All children find it tough to play co-operatively together at times, and experience conflict and arguments when they play with each other.

Children with emotional, mental health and life challenges may find it even harder to manage play with others. There are no quick and easy answers to helping children play co-operatively together, however slowly over time we can teach them, specifically and slowly - skills to do this better.

One of the strategies which help some kids is to brainstorm with them - rules or guidelines they can have when they play with their siblings or friends. We can ask them what rules might help them play well with others and suggest our own.

We can then coach them to both suggest the rules to their peers, negotiate with them and follow the rules themselves.

Easier said than done of course!

But even the experience of talking about this can help children in their process of learning. Here are some example rules which we can suggest to children and see what they think:

Rule Ideas for Kids Playing Together

- No-one HAS to play a game.

If someone wants someone to play and the other person doesn’t want to – they can offer a deal: “if you play X with me for X minutes, then I will play Y with you for X minutes”
BEFORE the game is started, everyone has to say the rules, ESPECIALLY THE rules about TRICKY BITS that caused a fight in the past.
Everyone uses at least one KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCE while playing the game.

KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCES might include:

“Good shot”

“Have another go”

“You go first”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Bad luck”

Or anything that makes another player feel good.

All players know that problems happen in games. This is okay. When a problem comes up, no-one is allowed to say “cheater” or “cheated”. Instead they use a soft voice and say:

“I think……………(say the problem)” OR

“Can you please…………..(say what they want)” OR

“Let’s take a break” OR

“Let’s ask Mum/Dad for help” OR

“No big deal, let's just keep playing”

If kids feel frustrated in a game they say: “I need a five minute time out” and they do something else for a very little while. Players then come back to the game and try again.
Screaming, yelling, hitting or hurting are never allowed.
At the end of the game, the losing player(s) say “CONGRATULATIONS” to the winner. The winning player(s) say “Good Game” to the losing player(s).
The Winner always packs up.

When helping children to play together using these rules, its best for them to practice, rather than just talk about these rules. This is especially important for children with challenges and who need support learning new skills.

We can get them to play an example game together, following these rules, while we watch them for ten minutes. While we are watching, we might.

Coach and prompt them ("can you remember some kind sentences to say", "now's the time to say "let's take a break", say it softly please, "remember what do you do BEFORE you start the game", "let's pretend someone breaks a rule - what will you do?")
Praise and thank them ("wow, great kind sentence", "nice work on using a calm voice, I'm so impressed", "You're such a good sport to remember to say congratulations", "hey you guys solved that problem so maturely all on your own").

Before you know it, the fights over games will disappear, and you will have taught them vital life skills they will appreciate forever.

Well, in theory. :)

In practice, what will happen is that the fights may happen a tiny bit less often, and slowly over time children will learn more skills in playing well together.

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Our online resource Calm Kid Central has helpful videos and activity sheets for children on the skills we need to make and keep friends. There is also a video and tip sheet for parent/carers on coaching our kids in these skills. To find out more, click below.

Learn More