Every week we see children, aged from 5 or 6 onwards who say something like this:

"I wish I was dead"
"I wish I'd never been born"
"I want to die"
"If I have to do this/if this happens I will kill myself"
"I want to kill myself"

and so on.

It's very distressing for parents to hear their children say these things.  As parents, our dearest wish often is for our children to have a happy, meaningful life - and hearing these words is often a shocking blow.

Here are some steps you can take if you have heard your child use sentences such as these.

1. Try not to panic.

Many children say something like this at some point, it is not uncommon.  It does not necessarily mean your child is depressed (they may be, but it's not a definitive sign) nor does it doesn't mean there is something else wrong with them.   It doesn't necessarily mean they are hiding something from you, that they are sad "deep down" nor does it necessarily mean they need help.  Of course some children who say "I wish I was dead" ARE depressed, or DO have immediate needs for support, but the words alone don't usually suggest this.  

Last night I missed out on watching a House of Cards episode I'd been really looking forward to, because my husband (who watches it with me) had to work.

It was the one thing which had kept me going during a long day and evening of work and I was really disappointed...So I yelled, cried, screamed and threw things across the room.  

Just kidding.  :)

Actually, I just sighed loudly - and got over it.  But let's unpack WHY I didn't have a meltdown and how I managed it.  

Apparently, somehow parents are doing it wrong compared to the parenting that happened in the 60's and 70's.

Ironically, it seems we as parents today are making one of two completely different mistakes.

These articles claim that either:

We are spending too MUCH time with and energy on our kids and teens - we are over scheduling, overprotecting them, rescuing them from every little harm, trying to force them to talk to us, doing too many craft activities, questioning their teachers too much, spending too much energy on them.  According to these writers, children and teens should be outside playing with sticks in the creek and managing life on their own like we did when we were kids.

Or:

Jeb*, aged 14, came to visit me wanting to do better in tests and exams at school.  He was a smart kid and learnt concepts well – but he just didn’t do well in timed test situations.

As child psychologists, we work with both kids and teens to help them achieve their best at school.  We can’t help them learn the content itself, but we can help with increasing motivation, managing distraction, improving attention and concentration and with what psychologists call “test taking technique”.  The good news for many young people is that making small changes to how you study, and what you do before and in a test situation can make a huge difference to results.

I worked with Jeb on figuring out some better strategies he could use in tests.  We practiced them in session.  He walked away saying he felt much more confident.  I had all my fingers crossed!  And happy day, this week I got an email from him to tell me he’d got full marks in his latest science test.  Hooray! Couldn’t help but do a private little fist pump the air in my office J

Here are 14 ideas you can talk through and practice with your child/teen before they sit tests or exams.  Please note – not all of these ideas will apply to your young person: what works willdepend on the material, the child and the type of test being sat.  Also, there are too many here to work on all at once. You’ll have to pick the most important, discuss them and help them practice them on more than one occasion.

But they do work!

I was talking to Hallie* yesterday in the clinic about her 11 and 14 year olds and she said:  “once upon a time, I had two happy, cheery and positive children.  Now, they don’t stop complaining, being miserable and unhappy about something in their day…it’s depressing me! Where are my happy kids gone?"

Hallie's kids is pretty normal.  

Here’s what to know about miserable preteens and teens: