Conversations with Kids about "Stranger Danger"

Updated Aug 22

Every now and then we read/hear news of attempted child abductions.

This is pretty scary for parents/caregivers and it is a risk we should be aware of and talking with children about.

However it is important of course to keep a sense of perspective about these.  There are many, many thousands of Australian children waiting at bus stops, at after school pick up points and walking short distances home by themselves every single day who have never been approached by a stranger – it is statistically extremely unlikely that our children will be targeted.  The danger of a child being hurt in a car accident is hundreds of times higher than being abducted by a stranger. 

However, it still makes sense to have a calm, relaxed conversation with our children about what to do to stay safe from potential abductors and if a stranger approaches them.  Here are some ideas which can help us have these conversations effectively without inducing panic in kids.

1. Start the conversation by asking them questions

What would you do if someone you didn’t know asked you to get in their car? 
What if they said “I need help” or if they said “your parents have been in an accident and I have to take you home?”
What if they tried to grab you?
How do you make sure you are safe when walking home/waiting at the bus stop/pick up point?

By asking these kinds of questions first, you will have a better idea about what you might need to say to your children.  When my children were young they had some ideas about trying karate moves on them, which I was glad I knew about and could discourage!  Starting with questions also means they are more interested and might not switch off from what they see as “another parental lecture”

2. Go over your house/family rules for staying safe

Everyone has different rules about safety.  Come up with some which apply to your family and situation.  Try to keep them few and simple.  There should be few enough rules so the child is able to repeat them back to you and not be overwhelmed. Here are a few suggestions which might work for your family. 

• If we are not there to pick you up from school, then go to the school front office. If something has happened and we have to get someone else to pick you up – they will always pick you up inside the front office of the school. No-one we know will ever try to stop you from going to the office.

• While waiting at bus-stop, pick up points or walking home – stay as far away from the side of the road as possible. If someone tries to talk to you from a car or at a bus stop, walk away without speaking to them. It’s okay to not answer people you don’t know if you are by yourself.

• If a stranger asks you for help, and you are by yourself – say no. Adults should ask other adults for help, not kids. If a stranger tells you they have something for you - say no. Never take anything from adults you don’t know. There are NO GOOD REASONS to ever go with an adult you don’t know by yourself.

• If you are ever in a situation in which you feel scared with someone, run away as fast as you can. If you can’t run, make as much noise as possible. Scream, yell, kick and scream “help”.

• Remember you can’t tell from the outside who is safe and who is not safe. Even people who look nice and friendly might do bad things. If you don’t know them, you don’t go with them.

3. Stay calm during the conversation and reassure children if needed.

Have this conversation in a very matter of fact tone.  Usually we should take about 5-10 minutes at most over it.  It’s important to try to not let children see us highly anxious about this issue in order to not raise their anxiety.  If our children do seem anxious themselves, or there is “school yard” chatter about stranger-danger, then remind children: 

• It is extremely unlikely that anyone will try to abduct you. These ideas we have talked about are for “just in case” but it is most likely that this will never happen.

• There are a few people in the world who do bad things. Not very many people. We don’t know who these people are by looking at them. But there are many more people who are kind, do good things and help people.

If they keep bringing it up, or seem overly anxious, reassure them briefly and then distract them and change the topic. 

4. Don’t give lots of details about kidnapping or abductions

Some children are inquisitive and some children are prone to getting worried.  If young children ask, “but why do bad people take children” or “what would happen to those kids with those people” – then just say something like “that’s adult stuff, you don’t need to know yet” or simply change the topic.  Older children and teens might want and be entitled to more information; “A few adults in the world have a rare sickness that makes them want to hurt others, including children.  There is something wrong with their brains and they don’t know they need help.  Sadly, some children are very badly hurt or killed by these people”.  Only give this information to older children, and only if they ask.

Finally, remember that statistically more children are abused and killed by people they know - relatives, neighbours, friends of friends.  As well as talking to children about potential stranger abduction, we should be also talking to children about staying safe in general.  On other occasions (not in the same conversation otherwise it can be too much to remember and take in), talk to children about private parts, feeling safe, not having any secrets from parents, and how to talk about feeling scared, guilty and worried.  It can be helpful to have semi-regular (1-3 a year as a rough guide) calm conversations with children about these issues. 

The Homework Worriers: 14 Ideas for Helping Kids who Stress about Homework

Updated Aug 22

Every week we meet “homework worriers”: children who get very anxious about getting homework done, and getting it right.  Homework Worriers do things like:

• Spend excessive amounts of time on a simple homework task

• Cry or be teary before and during homework

• Ask for lots of help and reassurance during homework, more than expected for their age/the task

• Act irritably or get frustrated when someone tries to help

• Say, “I can’t do it!” or “it’s too hard”, or “I’m not doing it right”

• Complain about reminders to start homework, or try to avoid it

• Get very upset if they get something wrong

• Worry that their teacher will be disappointed in them or get angry with them

There are lots of reasons for anxiety about homework - sometimes this anxiety is linked with other mental health, emotional or life challenges children have.

Usually the first step is for us to discuss this with teachers to see what their thoughts and ideas are. It’s really important a teacher knows about persistent worrying about homework. It may be that a child additional support, help or understanding - it may be that an assessment of their learning skills needs to happen. It may be that homework should be reduced - there is a lot of debate about how much (and if any) homework primary aged children should have, with many experts feeling as though it should not be set at all.

However, there are also somethings parents might be able to do to help children cope with anxiety about homework. 

We have listed some of these below.  Unfortunately none of these ideas are instant solutions, but hopefully some of these might be helpful for some children and families 

1. Empathise with your child. Homework and assessment is understandably tough at times. Just for a minute: remember the last time you were assessed on something at work, had someone grading you or looking at your performance. It was somewhat nerve wracking right? Homework can be similarly scary. Some children also show their anxiety via acting in angry or aggressive ways. As much as you can, try not to take this personally and instead help them know you “see” them and their struggle. You might say “I’m sorry you feel so stressed about this” or “I can see you are feeling a bit worried about this” or “It’s tough when the work is hard isn’t it” or “I’m sorry that you are finding this a bit scary”. Brief, calm statements of care and understanding can help children feel heard, and sometimes this is enough to help them calm down.

2. Help the child to calm their body. Ask them to take three deep, slow breaths. Do it with them! Slower and deeper breathing leads to less “anxiety chemicals” in the brain which means they will learn and remember better.

3. At least on some occasions, try to help your child figure out exactly what is worrying them about homework. Ask questions like: “What do you think might happen if you don’t finish this/get this right?” or “What is something you really don’t like about making mistakes” or “what is the hardest or most unpleasant thing about doing this/handing this up?” or “What do you think your teacher/friends/I might think if you don’t finish this/get this wrong?”. Write all your child’s worries about homework down on a piece of paper with them. This will help you know how to reassure your child, but more importantly will help your child think about their anxiety more clearly.

4. Help your child talk themselves with their teacher about their worries. (Warn the teacher in advance so they can be prepared). Ask your child to bring the paper in with their worried thoughts on it, and discuss them with the teacher. Most teachers are happy to help reassure children and help them feel calmer.

5. Ask your child to help you think of some “calm sentences” about homework. For example, “My teacher hardly ever gets mad with me, and even if they do, it’s not the end of the world”; “I can do SOME of this, and it’s okay if I can’t do it all” or “I’ll just try my best and ask for more help tomorrow”. Again, write these calm sentences down. Writing has more impact than just saying it out loud. Put the calm sentences on cards that the child can read through themselves when they are worried. This helps build the child’s own skills in dealing with their fears rather than always needing us to be reassuring them ourselves.

6. Try to help children remind themselves of the reassurance/calm thoughts they’ve received from you and others when they are stressed. When your child says worried things, ask them, “Is there any of your calm sentences you could read that might help with that?”. Don’t expect that a “one time” reading or writing of the calm sentences will fix the problem. The child needs to remind themselves of these calm sentences in an ongoing way. Have them around you whenever homework is getting tough.

7. If you and your child’s teacher believe homework is appropriate - choose a set, very short time for homework (ask you child to help you choose when this should be - for some children this is straight after school so they have less time to worry, and they get it out the way. For other children it helps if they have run around, eaten and rested) and tell your child you will all “stick” (strictly) to this routine for just one month and then see how it goes. For some children, a strict routine actually easies anxiety.

8. For some children, a few “let’s do it wrong on purpose” homework nights can help homework worriers learn to de-catastrophise about getting things wrong. On these nights, get the child to read all of their sight words wrong on purpose, write all their spelling words completely wrong and do things as fast and messily as possible (let the teacher know about this). The child will see that even though they got 0/10 – they survived, and no-one died.

9. If you are working closely with your child on homework, then at some point you will need to train them in “homework communication”. Teach them how to take advice from you, how to tell you their opinion and how to calmly express their worry rather than communicate it in a rude, panicked way. You will need to teach them the words to say, and remind them of it. Say: “You know when you think I’m wrong, instead of saying “you’re wrong”, you could say, “Mum I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to do.” Could you try that?”” This training will take a while. Try to be patient. You can also ask them how you might be able to communicate with them about homework in ways that are more helpful for them.

10. Work on our own patience levels during homework times. It may be that we don’t try to do a hundred other things during homework time. Even if we are not actively helping, for many homework worriers, having a calm, “not rushed” parent available in the background is useful. If you yell and get impatient, don’t get too mad at yourself. Most parents struggle with this at times. Just take a deep breathe, apologise and give yourself some time out. Then try again.

11. If you find it impossible to be calm with your homework worrier – despite trying all of the above - you might need to see if you can find someone else to help your child for a while. Can another parent do it – at least on some nights? Is there a Grandparent around who could help? One parent I worked with, had so much stress and conflict over homework they employed a local high school student (who was much calmer and more patient) to come in a couple of nights a week to help with homework instead of the parent doing it every night. Immediately this parents’ relationship with their child improved.

Keep in mind that all of the above are options to consider - and some of these may not be right for your child. Pick one or two that feel like they might be helpful to try. Also remember that this is a tough battle for many families, and it is essential to be patient, kind and gentle with yourself as a parent too. Try to keep a big picture perspective - kids will not be doing homework for ever, and while getting homework done is sometimes important - the relationship we have with them matters far more than the amount of homework completed.

If you continue to struggle with your homework worrier, it can be helpful to get some advice from a health or education professional.  Talk more with a school counsellor, child psychologist, doctor or school teacher/leader.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has a video and activity sheet for children about how to catch and understand worried thoughts. There is also a video and tip sheet for parents/carers on helping anxious kids get calm by relaxing their bodies. To find out more click below:

Helping children follow instructions by providing reasons for requests

Updated Aug 22

Imagine that every day you received a hundred instructions to follow, most of which you didn’t understand the rationale, relevancy or reason for. All day you listened to people saying things to you such as:

Do NOT put red items on a wooden table.  NEVER speak while you are holding something.  You MUST NOT blink in the kitchen!  Pink socks should not touch your hands!!  Please make sure you reverse those cushion covers BEFORE three pm.

You might learn and “know” these rules pretty quickly, but not fully understanding the reasons to the rules, make them tiresome and less likely to be followed. 

This is the world our children live in sometimes.  We often give instructions to kids before they fully understand the reasons and rationale behind these instructions. When this occurs, it is more difficult for them to be motivated to follow them.   Sure they might be able to do what we ask, but they are more likely to "forget" or not be bothered doing things exactly as asked.

This is especially true for children with big feelings, and emotional health challenges. Of course not fully understanding the reasons for instructions is not the only reason children have difficulties feeling co-operative. There are many different factors which lead to difficulties with co-operation.

But one of the ways we can support children to feel more co-operative is to try to keep spending time explaining (in reasonable, age appropriate ways) providing information and context to our requests.

Often the more information children and teens have about a range of life issues, the reasons why the things we ask them to do matter, the reason why the things we DONT want them to do causes them and us problems - the more likely they are to act in positive ways. It won’t be a quick fix - and it’s not always appropriate in every situation - but it can be helpful for many children over the long term.    

Here are some every day examples which might be appropriate for some kids:

Instead of:

“Pack up your toys now please”

When you pack up your toys, we can walk through it without falling and that way we can all stay safe.

“Only eat in the kitchen”

Please keep the food in the kitchen, then we don’t have to clean up the whole house at night time, which means there is more time to relax and watch TV after tea.

Eat your vegetables

When we eat vegetables, we look after our bodies which makes us stronger and healthier.

“Take turns with your brother”

When you let everyone have their turn in order, people feel happy and no-one gets upset.  And we can stay a bit longer because there is no fighting between you kids.

“Get dressed for school quickly please”

Getting dressed for school  before 8.30am means that you and I can have some fun talking time about the day and I won’t be getting frustrated with you.

It’s XXpm, you need to get to bed

The reason I would like you to go to bed at this time is that your brain actually grows bigger while you sleep.  When you get lots of sleep at night, you get smarter and smarter and that means you will be able to learn quicker at school and even play xbox/gaming/sport better!

Stop looking at your sister’s cards!

Please keep your eyes on your cards only.  When people cheat it means no-one really feels like playing anymore.

Stop whinging!

Please don't interrupt me while I'm talking to your Dad, because I have some information I need to give him.

Please try to talk in a normal voice

When you talk in a whiny voice, adults can feel stressed and are more likely to not listen properly to you.

A few points about how and when to give information to children.

It’s about information not guilt!  When we give reasons and information to children, it is not about trying to make a child feel guilty, or worried or resentful.  We are simply giving information and knowledge to them.  This means giving information in a calm and caring voice not an angry one.  It also means being very brief, rather than this being a lecture.  It can be more helpful to say it once, quickly and move on.

Try to sometimes give this information before or after the instruction, rather than right at the time.  If children are resisting an instruction, then sometimes giving information can turn into an argument.  To avoid this, try to give information and reasons to children before critical times.

It needs to be done at developmentally appropriate level.  Obviously giving a 2 year old complex information about what nutrients are needed for a healthy body is not going to work.  When in doubt, make information short and simple.

What about when it just becomes an argument?  If children are upset about an instruction they will naturally want to debate the reasons given.  This is not a excuse for us to refuse to provide reasons, it just means we need to put limits on how much we will talk about it.  For example, once clear information has been given, a parent can choose to not give anymore.  “I’m very sorry that you are upset, but I don’t want to talk anymore now about the reasons for this:”.

What about “just because I told you so”?  Although there are definitely times when giving explanations may not be important (or may even be unhelpful). However, giving information and reasons on a regular basis, supports children - especially those with challenges - to gradually over time be more likely to act in positive ways.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has videos, activity sheets and tip sheets for children and parents/carers on helping children with tricky behaviour. To find out more click below:

8 Skills to help Children manage conflict with siblings

Updated Aug 22

Siblings all over Australia today have spent time playing happily together, then fighting, then playing again. Some research shows that younger siblings fight on average every 17 minutes.

It's challenging to help kids play well with their siblings. This is true for all children - and may be especially true for children who are managing additional emotional, mental health or life challenges .

But if we can spend a few minutes every now and then, coaching and talking them through starting play, maintaining play, managing conflict and ending play kindly - then the rewards are great - for them and us.

It can be helpful to consider what skills are involved in siblings playing well together, and then think about which ones children are doing well with and which they need support with.  

Here are at least 8 skills kids need to play with siblings/peers - they need to effectively:

• Start the play – i.e make a suggestion about what to do and how, and invite their sibling to join in

• Maintain the game/play – come up with new ideas about what to do next when things get boring

• Compromise and be flexible when their own ideas don’t work or are rejected

• Help out a sibling when they get stuck, hurt or frustrated

• Calm themselves down when they get angry

• Adjust rules or expectations when other siblings can’t cope with the current play

• Be able to follow directions or suggestions made by siblings

• End the play gently when they have had enough without hurting people’s feelings

How skilled are your children at doing each of these things?  

More importantly, what is one skill you can pick to work on with them this week?  

If you would like to help your child work on these skills, you might like to:

a) Have a conversation with them (when they are not already fighting or upset - ie before they are playing)
b) Ask them questions about how they are going, what they would like to work on, what they do when things go wrong.
c) Explain a skill, what words they might say or not say and explaining the benefits of the skill
d), Ask them to role play the skill with you.

Working on coaching skills like this can be time consuming. But even just doing a little of this (a few minutes at a time) - can over the long term, sometimes save parents/caregivers hours of time in dealing with conflict because instead of children needing us to sort things out every time - they are gradually getting better at avoiding or managing the conflict themselves.

If you'd like to read more about this issue:  I've been following the work of Dr. Laurie Kramer on this topic recently - really interesting read for those interested.

http://www.mom-psych.com/Interviews/Kramer-GS1005.html

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has modules for parents/carers of children with emotional health needs about helping siblings get along with fewer fights and coaching children to be kind to friends and siblings. To find out more click below:

Can students really study effectively while listening to music?

Updated Aug 2022

Most students we work with tell us they listen to music while studying.   In contrast, many parents/caregivers we talk to feel concerned about this, wondering:  “can they really concentrate with that going on in their ears?”

Like many things - it’s not a simple “it’s fine”, versus “it’s terrible” situation.

First, let’s consider the potential advantages for some students in listening to music while studying.  These are as follows:

1. Many students say listening to music helps them study for longer.  This makes sense: homework can be boring, hard to persist with and tedious at times. If something can make it slightly less boring, students are more likely to keep doing it for longer.  

2. Listening to predictable music has been found in several studies to be LESS distracting than listening to random or unpredictable noise - ie like that which might happen in many offices/households noise.  So if the level of noise in the house is both high and unpredictable, then having music to block that out can help students concentrate.  

3. Music puts students in a good mood.  Some studies have found it makes people feel less stressed, more confident and happier. This may be helpful for studying because the better mood we are in, the longer we persist on hard tasks and the better we do at difficult tasks:  good news for students.

So with all of those potential advantages, what’s the problem with music?  The other side of the record (a pun for those over 35) is that research consistently shows that compared to silence, people are less skilled at doing complex tasks while listening to music.  

For example, some studies show that if you give people a problem solving task and then compare people who do it in silence compared to people doing in while listening to music, those working in silence do the task more accurately and more quickly compared to those listening to music.  

In other words, it seems that music interferes with our attention and cognitive skills.  This is especially true for music with lyrics and music that is “unpredictable” in some way (ie potentially music which is less well known by the listener).

It’s important to note that these studies just look at the effects on music on the average person - and it may well be different for different people. For example, some studies have found that introverts are more likely to be more negatively impacted by listening to music than extroverts.

It may also be that children and teens with emotional health concerns or who are neurodiverse respond either more positively to listening to music while studying (ie helps regulate emotions and increases coping) OR less positively (they have more difficulties with splitting their attention or feeling distracted).

Given the advantages and disadvantages, here are the recommendations we give students about this issue:

• Listen to music when you feel like you really “have to” – when you are bored, in a bad mood, feel a need to manage your emotions, having difficulties with motivation and feel like music would help

• Listen to music if your house is really noisy (or unpredictably noisy) and you can’t shut it out any other way.

BUT recognise that you are quite likely to be distracted or less accurate when listening to music so try to:

• Turn the music off when you are doing something quite hard (e.g revising for a test or trying to understand difficult concepts)

• Listen to music without lyrics if you can (e.g classical, electronica), music that has a predictable beat/tune or music that is very familiar to you.

• Turn the music down a couple of notches compared to the volume you listen to it normally.

Almost all students listen to music at some point while studying but it is worth having a discussion with them about what works and what doesn’t, what their plan will be to manage it and to ask them how they will monitor how it helps or hinders them.