6 ideas for “less parent yelling”, but why we don't need to panic

Updated Aug 2022

Some time back the Huffington Post shared an article titled "Yelling at our kids could be as harmful as physical discipline".  We’ve had a few messages inquiring about the article with some readers saying they have been feeling uncomfortable about their parenting since reading it.  

This may be particularly difficult for families with children with emotional and mental health concerns and other challenges - parents worry that their children may be particularly impacted by worrying, and also that parents of children with challenge may have more to be frustrated about and more prone to yelling in families.

So we went back and read the original study.   It made things a little clearer and less worrying. Here's what we found:

The researchers in this study were not just looking at the effects of raised voices, but instead were looking at the effects of "harsh verbal discipline". In their questionnaire for parents they bundled three question items together: "yelling, screaming and shouting", "swearing or cussing at the child" and "calling the child a name, such as lazy or dumb".   Any "yes" for any of these behaviours gave the parents a point towards their "harsh verbal criticism" score.  The higher the harsh verbal criticism level, the more likely it was their children (aged 13 and 14) experienced negative effects on their social and emotional well being.   So without seeing a breakdown of the actual data, it is possible that for the parents who scored above average on "harsh verbal criticism" were those that consistently swore and insulted the child, not those that "just" yelled. There was no focus on children with particular challenges - it was looking at children in the general population.

Looking at the literature generally over the last 10 years, there is not any research (that we could find) which examined the effects of parents raising their voices, without also considering other (and theoretically harsher) forms of verbal punishment.  

We suspect this is partly because researchers would find it hard to actually find children who have never been yelled at! Some surveys we found indicated that between 75% and 90% of parents say they have yelled at their children at least once in the last 12 months.

So as far as the research goes, the jury is still out.  We do not yet have any evidence that finds that raising our voices at children is demonstrably harmful in any way.

"Phew" :)

However, instinctively as parents/caregivers, we don't really want to yell at our kids.  We yell because we are frustrated (and again, some families have a lot to be frustrated/overwhelmed by), not because we think it works any better than speaking in a firm, steady, calm voice.   

For interest sake- we think there are at least two possible reasons that yelling does not work that well.  First, our own yelling prompts a FURTHER increase in our own frustration.  In other words - not only do we yell because we are frustrated, but we get more frustrated after we yell.  It increases guilt, annoyance and general "overwhelm" in us as parents.  Not the most ideal state to be thinking strategically and carefully about how we can manage a tricky parenting situation.

Second, once we yell at kids, their own "fight/flight/attack/defence/attack" systems are probably on the rise.  Adrenalin rates, muscle tension and emotional systems tend to ramp up when someone is raising their voice at us - whether we are children or adults.   This might be particularly true for children with emotional health challenges. Now while studies above cannot say for sure that this causes any long term damage, it does nothing to help kids learn at the time.  

Learning happens best in kids when they are calm.

So overall here’s what we can conclude so far:  we don't have any evidence to say that yelling harms our kids, but we can make a pretty solid guess that it doesn't help them (or us) either.  

How can we work on doing less yelling at our kids and teens? Unfortunately there are no magic solutions. Here are a few ideas that sometimes help families we work with:

a) Consistently allow extra time to do anything with our children.  

Kids take far, far longer to do things than seems reasonable. How could it possibly take 10 minutes to tie your shoelaces?  Well, when you are 10, yes it does appear to take that long.  It also takes them a long time to switch "off" from other activities and "onto" the things we want them to do.

Bottom line:  whenever we need to be somewhere at a certain time, or want children to do difficult things, we must factor in the "child processing time".  This also goes for teens.  Teen brains are also less developed than adult brains.  They have to cope with higher levels of distractibility, a focus on how they are coming across to others and a myriad of other mood changes.  Extra time can often help.

b) We need to talk to kids and teens in advance of trouble spots.  

Take a second to stop reading for a minute and think about the answer to this question:  what will make you lose your temper in the next month with your children/teens?

No really, pause just for a minute and try to predict the three most likely scenarios.

Got them?  So now we have that information, lets use it. How can we help our children/teens and ourselves to avoid that situation before it happens.  What do we need to coach, teach and rehearse with them to be able to do better in that situation?  

Having conversations prior to the problems is essential.  We need to talk with them in the car, when we are all calm, the night before at bedtime when they are feeling relaxed, we need to get them to walk through the steps of doing better on the weekend when there is less pressure, we need to find times beforehand or afterwards.

Side note - kids/teens often don't want to have these conversations.  This is understandable.   It's not fun for anyone to talk about trouble spots when they aren't happening, no one wants to discuss unpleasant topics if they don't really have to. However we have a much better chance of dealing calmly with the issue if we don't wait until emotions are high and time is tight.  If we can do this, at least some of the time, it often helps.

C) Get Closer

Whenever we need to talk to our kids and teens, we should consider whether it would help to get closer to them, look them in the eye and/or put a gentle hand on their shoulder. When we get closer to kids in talking with them, two things often happen.  

First, we get their attention.  Some studies show they are almost twice as likely to listen.

Second, instinctively we are less likely to yell at someone when we are close to them.  We tone it down a little when someone's face is *right there*.  This will help us control our own frustration.  

(Quick note 1: Some children - eg neurodiverse - may not respond well to eye contact or touch - it’s important to read the signs and respect what helps your child.)

(Quick note 2:  if you feel you are out of control of your anger and might strike your child, of course, ignore this advice and instead walk away and keep yourself and your child safe).

d) We might make ourselves a little more accountable.  

Anytime we set a goal, if someone knows about it, we are more likely to try to stick to it.  Making a goal to reduce our yelling may be the same. It can be helpful to tell a partner, a close friend or another parent:  "I'm really working hard on talking calmly to the kids at the moment.  It's something that it's important to me, and I want to do it more often".   Next time, we start to yell, we will remember this conversation and it might help, a little.

We can also make ourselves accountable by telling our kids themselves that we don't want to yell at them.  Say "Mum/Dad is working hard on not yelling at you too much and talking in a calm and quieter voice, even when I'm frustrated.  It's really tough sometimes, but I'm going to try hard".  When you do slip up, apologise to them, "I wish I had said that to you in a calmer voice, I'm sorry for yelling".  Not only does this help keep it uppermost in our mind, apologising ourselves is a great way of teaching kids and teens about making amends.

e) Breathe

When you find yourself extremely frustrated, running late, stressed, incredibly disappointed at your children's behaviour:  Breathe.  Slowly.  Take a deep breathe three times.  It really does help.  It changes brain activation patterns and allows us to think more clearly.  Try it now, and see.  Breathe deeply, slowly and let your shoulders drop.  You can probably feel a reduction in your muscle tension. What you can't observe as easily is the changes in your brain - but they do happen - and this makes it easier for us to speak calmly

Finally, be compassionate towards yourself AND the children.  

Parenting is one of the most incredibly frustration, annoying, hurtful, disappointing, confusing and scary things we have to do in all of our lives. This is true for parents of children without any particular challenges - if you have children with mental health, emotional or other life difficulties then it is all the more difficult.  

Of course then - we will all make mistakes as parents - we shouldn’t be too critical- but instead take a minute to be kind to ourselves.  
We can always start again tomorrow.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has a video and tip sheet for parents/carers on calmer before-school routines, and a few videos on helping kids with tricky behaviour. For more information click below:

Conversations with Kids about "Stranger Danger"

Updated Aug 22

Every now and then we read/hear news of attempted child abductions.

This is pretty scary for parents/caregivers and it is a risk we should be aware of and talking with children about.

However it is important of course to keep a sense of perspective about these.  There are many, many thousands of Australian children waiting at bus stops, at after school pick up points and walking short distances home by themselves every single day who have never been approached by a stranger – it is statistically extremely unlikely that our children will be targeted.  The danger of a child being hurt in a car accident is hundreds of times higher than being abducted by a stranger. 

However, it still makes sense to have a calm, relaxed conversation with our children about what to do to stay safe from potential abductors and if a stranger approaches them.  Here are some ideas which can help us have these conversations effectively without inducing panic in kids.

1. Start the conversation by asking them questions

What would you do if someone you didn’t know asked you to get in their car? 
What if they said “I need help” or if they said “your parents have been in an accident and I have to take you home?”
What if they tried to grab you?
How do you make sure you are safe when walking home/waiting at the bus stop/pick up point?

By asking these kinds of questions first, you will have a better idea about what you might need to say to your children.  When my children were young they had some ideas about trying karate moves on them, which I was glad I knew about and could discourage!  Starting with questions also means they are more interested and might not switch off from what they see as “another parental lecture”

2. Go over your house/family rules for staying safe

Everyone has different rules about safety.  Come up with some which apply to your family and situation.  Try to keep them few and simple.  There should be few enough rules so the child is able to repeat them back to you and not be overwhelmed. Here are a few suggestions which might work for your family. 

• If we are not there to pick you up from school, then go to the school front office. If something has happened and we have to get someone else to pick you up – they will always pick you up inside the front office of the school. No-one we know will ever try to stop you from going to the office.

• While waiting at bus-stop, pick up points or walking home – stay as far away from the side of the road as possible. If someone tries to talk to you from a car or at a bus stop, walk away without speaking to them. It’s okay to not answer people you don’t know if you are by yourself.

• If a stranger asks you for help, and you are by yourself – say no. Adults should ask other adults for help, not kids. If a stranger tells you they have something for you - say no. Never take anything from adults you don’t know. There are NO GOOD REASONS to ever go with an adult you don’t know by yourself.

• If you are ever in a situation in which you feel scared with someone, run away as fast as you can. If you can’t run, make as much noise as possible. Scream, yell, kick and scream “help”.

• Remember you can’t tell from the outside who is safe and who is not safe. Even people who look nice and friendly might do bad things. If you don’t know them, you don’t go with them.

3. Stay calm during the conversation and reassure children if needed.

Have this conversation in a very matter of fact tone.  Usually we should take about 5-10 minutes at most over it.  It’s important to try to not let children see us highly anxious about this issue in order to not raise their anxiety.  If our children do seem anxious themselves, or there is “school yard” chatter about stranger-danger, then remind children: 

• It is extremely unlikely that anyone will try to abduct you. These ideas we have talked about are for “just in case” but it is most likely that this will never happen.

• There are a few people in the world who do bad things. Not very many people. We don’t know who these people are by looking at them. But there are many more people who are kind, do good things and help people.

If they keep bringing it up, or seem overly anxious, reassure them briefly and then distract them and change the topic. 

4. Don’t give lots of details about kidnapping or abductions

Some children are inquisitive and some children are prone to getting worried.  If young children ask, “but why do bad people take children” or “what would happen to those kids with those people” – then just say something like “that’s adult stuff, you don’t need to know yet” or simply change the topic.  Older children and teens might want and be entitled to more information; “A few adults in the world have a rare sickness that makes them want to hurt others, including children.  There is something wrong with their brains and they don’t know they need help.  Sadly, some children are very badly hurt or killed by these people”.  Only give this information to older children, and only if they ask.

Finally, remember that statistically more children are abused and killed by people they know - relatives, neighbours, friends of friends.  As well as talking to children about potential stranger abduction, we should be also talking to children about staying safe in general.  On other occasions (not in the same conversation otherwise it can be too much to remember and take in), talk to children about private parts, feeling safe, not having any secrets from parents, and how to talk about feeling scared, guilty and worried.  It can be helpful to have semi-regular (1-3 a year as a rough guide) calm conversations with children about these issues. 

The Homework Worriers: 14 Ideas for Helping Kids who Stress about Homework

Updated Aug 22

Every week we meet “homework worriers”: children who get very anxious about getting homework done, and getting it right.  Homework Worriers do things like:

• Spend excessive amounts of time on a simple homework task

• Cry or be teary before and during homework

• Ask for lots of help and reassurance during homework, more than expected for their age/the task

• Act irritably or get frustrated when someone tries to help

• Say, “I can’t do it!” or “it’s too hard”, or “I’m not doing it right”

• Complain about reminders to start homework, or try to avoid it

• Get very upset if they get something wrong

• Worry that their teacher will be disappointed in them or get angry with them

There are lots of reasons for anxiety about homework - sometimes this anxiety is linked with other mental health, emotional or life challenges children have.

Usually the first step is for us to discuss this with teachers to see what their thoughts and ideas are. It’s really important a teacher knows about persistent worrying about homework. It may be that a child additional support, help or understanding - it may be that an assessment of their learning skills needs to happen. It may be that homework should be reduced - there is a lot of debate about how much (and if any) homework primary aged children should have, with many experts feeling as though it should not be set at all.

However, there are also somethings parents might be able to do to help children cope with anxiety about homework. 

We have listed some of these below.  Unfortunately none of these ideas are instant solutions, but hopefully some of these might be helpful for some children and families 

1. Empathise with your child. Homework and assessment is understandably tough at times. Just for a minute: remember the last time you were assessed on something at work, had someone grading you or looking at your performance. It was somewhat nerve wracking right? Homework can be similarly scary. Some children also show their anxiety via acting in angry or aggressive ways. As much as you can, try not to take this personally and instead help them know you “see” them and their struggle. You might say “I’m sorry you feel so stressed about this” or “I can see you are feeling a bit worried about this” or “It’s tough when the work is hard isn’t it” or “I’m sorry that you are finding this a bit scary”. Brief, calm statements of care and understanding can help children feel heard, and sometimes this is enough to help them calm down.

2. Help the child to calm their body. Ask them to take three deep, slow breaths. Do it with them! Slower and deeper breathing leads to less “anxiety chemicals” in the brain which means they will learn and remember better.

3. At least on some occasions, try to help your child figure out exactly what is worrying them about homework. Ask questions like: “What do you think might happen if you don’t finish this/get this right?” or “What is something you really don’t like about making mistakes” or “what is the hardest or most unpleasant thing about doing this/handing this up?” or “What do you think your teacher/friends/I might think if you don’t finish this/get this wrong?”. Write all your child’s worries about homework down on a piece of paper with them. This will help you know how to reassure your child, but more importantly will help your child think about their anxiety more clearly.

4. Help your child talk themselves with their teacher about their worries. (Warn the teacher in advance so they can be prepared). Ask your child to bring the paper in with their worried thoughts on it, and discuss them with the teacher. Most teachers are happy to help reassure children and help them feel calmer.

5. Ask your child to help you think of some “calm sentences” about homework. For example, “My teacher hardly ever gets mad with me, and even if they do, it’s not the end of the world”; “I can do SOME of this, and it’s okay if I can’t do it all” or “I’ll just try my best and ask for more help tomorrow”. Again, write these calm sentences down. Writing has more impact than just saying it out loud. Put the calm sentences on cards that the child can read through themselves when they are worried. This helps build the child’s own skills in dealing with their fears rather than always needing us to be reassuring them ourselves.

6. Try to help children remind themselves of the reassurance/calm thoughts they’ve received from you and others when they are stressed. When your child says worried things, ask them, “Is there any of your calm sentences you could read that might help with that?”. Don’t expect that a “one time” reading or writing of the calm sentences will fix the problem. The child needs to remind themselves of these calm sentences in an ongoing way. Have them around you whenever homework is getting tough.

7. If you and your child’s teacher believe homework is appropriate - choose a set, very short time for homework (ask you child to help you choose when this should be - for some children this is straight after school so they have less time to worry, and they get it out the way. For other children it helps if they have run around, eaten and rested) and tell your child you will all “stick” (strictly) to this routine for just one month and then see how it goes. For some children, a strict routine actually easies anxiety.

8. For some children, a few “let’s do it wrong on purpose” homework nights can help homework worriers learn to de-catastrophise about getting things wrong. On these nights, get the child to read all of their sight words wrong on purpose, write all their spelling words completely wrong and do things as fast and messily as possible (let the teacher know about this). The child will see that even though they got 0/10 – they survived, and no-one died.

9. If you are working closely with your child on homework, then at some point you will need to train them in “homework communication”. Teach them how to take advice from you, how to tell you their opinion and how to calmly express their worry rather than communicate it in a rude, panicked way. You will need to teach them the words to say, and remind them of it. Say: “You know when you think I’m wrong, instead of saying “you’re wrong”, you could say, “Mum I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to do.” Could you try that?”” This training will take a while. Try to be patient. You can also ask them how you might be able to communicate with them about homework in ways that are more helpful for them.

10. Work on our own patience levels during homework times. It may be that we don’t try to do a hundred other things during homework time. Even if we are not actively helping, for many homework worriers, having a calm, “not rushed” parent available in the background is useful. If you yell and get impatient, don’t get too mad at yourself. Most parents struggle with this at times. Just take a deep breathe, apologise and give yourself some time out. Then try again.

11. If you find it impossible to be calm with your homework worrier – despite trying all of the above - you might need to see if you can find someone else to help your child for a while. Can another parent do it – at least on some nights? Is there a Grandparent around who could help? One parent I worked with, had so much stress and conflict over homework they employed a local high school student (who was much calmer and more patient) to come in a couple of nights a week to help with homework instead of the parent doing it every night. Immediately this parents’ relationship with their child improved.

Keep in mind that all of the above are options to consider - and some of these may not be right for your child. Pick one or two that feel like they might be helpful to try. Also remember that this is a tough battle for many families, and it is essential to be patient, kind and gentle with yourself as a parent too. Try to keep a big picture perspective - kids will not be doing homework for ever, and while getting homework done is sometimes important - the relationship we have with them matters far more than the amount of homework completed.

If you continue to struggle with your homework worrier, it can be helpful to get some advice from a health or education professional.  Talk more with a school counsellor, child psychologist, doctor or school teacher/leader.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has a video and activity sheet for children about how to catch and understand worried thoughts. There is also a video and tip sheet for parents/carers on helping anxious kids get calm by relaxing their bodies. To find out more click below:

Helping children follow instructions by providing reasons for requests

Updated Aug 22

Imagine that every day you received a hundred instructions to follow, most of which you didn’t understand the rationale, relevancy or reason for. All day you listened to people saying things to you such as:

Do NOT put red items on a wooden table.  NEVER speak while you are holding something.  You MUST NOT blink in the kitchen!  Pink socks should not touch your hands!!  Please make sure you reverse those cushion covers BEFORE three pm.

You might learn and “know” these rules pretty quickly, but not fully understanding the reasons to the rules, make them tiresome and less likely to be followed. 

This is the world our children live in sometimes.  We often give instructions to kids before they fully understand the reasons and rationale behind these instructions. When this occurs, it is more difficult for them to be motivated to follow them.   Sure they might be able to do what we ask, but they are more likely to "forget" or not be bothered doing things exactly as asked.

This is especially true for children with big feelings, and emotional health challenges. Of course not fully understanding the reasons for instructions is not the only reason children have difficulties feeling co-operative. There are many different factors which lead to difficulties with co-operation.

But one of the ways we can support children to feel more co-operative is to try to keep spending time explaining (in reasonable, age appropriate ways) providing information and context to our requests.

Often the more information children and teens have about a range of life issues, the reasons why the things we ask them to do matter, the reason why the things we DONT want them to do causes them and us problems - the more likely they are to act in positive ways. It won’t be a quick fix - and it’s not always appropriate in every situation - but it can be helpful for many children over the long term.    

Here are some every day examples which might be appropriate for some kids:

Instead of:

“Pack up your toys now please”

When you pack up your toys, we can walk through it without falling and that way we can all stay safe.

“Only eat in the kitchen”

Please keep the food in the kitchen, then we don’t have to clean up the whole house at night time, which means there is more time to relax and watch TV after tea.

Eat your vegetables

When we eat vegetables, we look after our bodies which makes us stronger and healthier.

“Take turns with your brother”

When you let everyone have their turn in order, people feel happy and no-one gets upset.  And we can stay a bit longer because there is no fighting between you kids.

“Get dressed for school quickly please”

Getting dressed for school  before 8.30am means that you and I can have some fun talking time about the day and I won’t be getting frustrated with you.

It’s XXpm, you need to get to bed

The reason I would like you to go to bed at this time is that your brain actually grows bigger while you sleep.  When you get lots of sleep at night, you get smarter and smarter and that means you will be able to learn quicker at school and even play xbox/gaming/sport better!

Stop looking at your sister’s cards!

Please keep your eyes on your cards only.  When people cheat it means no-one really feels like playing anymore.

Stop whinging!

Please don't interrupt me while I'm talking to your Dad, because I have some information I need to give him.

Please try to talk in a normal voice

When you talk in a whiny voice, adults can feel stressed and are more likely to not listen properly to you.

A few points about how and when to give information to children.

It’s about information not guilt!  When we give reasons and information to children, it is not about trying to make a child feel guilty, or worried or resentful.  We are simply giving information and knowledge to them.  This means giving information in a calm and caring voice not an angry one.  It also means being very brief, rather than this being a lecture.  It can be more helpful to say it once, quickly and move on.

Try to sometimes give this information before or after the instruction, rather than right at the time.  If children are resisting an instruction, then sometimes giving information can turn into an argument.  To avoid this, try to give information and reasons to children before critical times.

It needs to be done at developmentally appropriate level.  Obviously giving a 2 year old complex information about what nutrients are needed for a healthy body is not going to work.  When in doubt, make information short and simple.

What about when it just becomes an argument?  If children are upset about an instruction they will naturally want to debate the reasons given.  This is not a excuse for us to refuse to provide reasons, it just means we need to put limits on how much we will talk about it.  For example, once clear information has been given, a parent can choose to not give anymore.  “I’m very sorry that you are upset, but I don’t want to talk anymore now about the reasons for this:”.

What about “just because I told you so”?  Although there are definitely times when giving explanations may not be important (or may even be unhelpful). However, giving information and reasons on a regular basis, supports children - especially those with challenges - to gradually over time be more likely to act in positive ways.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has videos, activity sheets and tip sheets for children and parents/carers on helping children with tricky behaviour. To find out more click below:

8 Skills to help Children manage conflict with siblings

Updated Aug 22

Siblings all over Australia today have spent time playing happily together, then fighting, then playing again. Some research shows that younger siblings fight on average every 17 minutes.

It's challenging to help kids play well with their siblings. This is true for all children - and may be especially true for children who are managing additional emotional, mental health or life challenges .

But if we can spend a few minutes every now and then, coaching and talking them through starting play, maintaining play, managing conflict and ending play kindly - then the rewards are great - for them and us.

It can be helpful to consider what skills are involved in siblings playing well together, and then think about which ones children are doing well with and which they need support with.  

Here are at least 8 skills kids need to play with siblings/peers - they need to effectively:

• Start the play – i.e make a suggestion about what to do and how, and invite their sibling to join in

• Maintain the game/play – come up with new ideas about what to do next when things get boring

• Compromise and be flexible when their own ideas don’t work or are rejected

• Help out a sibling when they get stuck, hurt or frustrated

• Calm themselves down when they get angry

• Adjust rules or expectations when other siblings can’t cope with the current play

• Be able to follow directions or suggestions made by siblings

• End the play gently when they have had enough without hurting people’s feelings

How skilled are your children at doing each of these things?  

More importantly, what is one skill you can pick to work on with them this week?  

If you would like to help your child work on these skills, you might like to:

a) Have a conversation with them (when they are not already fighting or upset - ie before they are playing)
b) Ask them questions about how they are going, what they would like to work on, what they do when things go wrong.
c) Explain a skill, what words they might say or not say and explaining the benefits of the skill
d), Ask them to role play the skill with you.

Working on coaching skills like this can be time consuming. But even just doing a little of this (a few minutes at a time) - can over the long term, sometimes save parents/caregivers hours of time in dealing with conflict because instead of children needing us to sort things out every time - they are gradually getting better at avoiding or managing the conflict themselves.

If you'd like to read more about this issue:  I've been following the work of Dr. Laurie Kramer on this topic recently - really interesting read for those interested.

http://www.mom-psych.com/Interviews/Kramer-GS1005.html

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has modules for parents/carers of children with emotional health needs about helping siblings get along with fewer fights and coaching children to be kind to friends and siblings. To find out more click below: