Children waking you up at night? You deserve a medal!

I just read a study which surprised me, and then everything made sense.

A psychologist took a group of people, and assessed their cognitive skills and their mood after a normal nights' sleep.  They then either sleep deprived these people by only letting them sleep for four hours for the entire night OR they let them sleep eight hours, but woke them up four times during the night and made them stay awake for 15 minutes each time.

Not surprisingly, after the sleep deprivation, people were much worse at paying attention, solving problems and reported that their mood was not good.

But the really interesting thing:  there was NO significant difference between the people who had only been allowed to sleep four hours compared to the people who had eight hours with interruptions.  Getting interrupted sleep was just as bad for mood and thinking as only getting a paltry four solid hours.

Are you being woken up at night by a child?  It's no wonder you sometimes struggle the following day.  Despite being asleep for an eight hour period, your interruptions mean you may as well have got four hours.

Another reason to be compassionate towards yourself if you feel tired and cranky!

6 things about gaming parents of teens might find helpful to know

1.  Gaming is everywhere.  Online, mobile and console gaming is a billion dollar industry - it's bigger than Hollywood.  Half a billion people worldwide play online/computer/mobile/console games for at least half an hour a day - and only 25% of regular gamers are under 18.

2.  There are great things about gaming.  Regular gamers have better visual spatial skills than those who don't play.  After gaming, people do better on some cognitive tests.  Gaming has been found with decrease in stress and depression for many people in experimental trials.  Gaming is often social - people are playing, together online to solve problems.  And gaming is moving into solving real world problems - health, aid and social organisations are moving towards using gaming to get people to act prosocially and solve personal and world dilemmas.

3.  There is also a dark side to gaming.  Many games are professionally designed by psychologists and marketers to be addictive.  It is easy to spend increasing numbers of hours on games and to sacrifice other important areas of life in the pursuit of a gaming goal.  There are many teens (and adults) who are genuinely addicted to playing games.  Also, many games are violent and disturbing.  There is some - inconclusive but worrying - evidence that for some people playing violent games may increase they chance of them behaving in anti-social ways.  Finally, gaming is interfering with a generation of teenagers' sleep.  Watching that brightly lit screen late at night stops young people from sleeping well, which leads to tired, irritable and amotivated students.

4.  What matters more than time spent gaming is time not spent doing other things.  Every hour spent on gaming is a hour not spent doing something else.  What could the teenager be doing instead of gaming?  If it was simply watching TV or another arguably low importance task - then maybe gaming is a great stress-relieving, thinking skill-developing task.  If it was getting extra sleep or finishing off an overdue assignment - then maybe the gaming time is not well spent.

5.  It’s usually helpful for parents/caregivers to be cheerful about gaming. Being relentless negative about something a teenager loves to do is only going to turn them away from the most important people in their life - us.  Show interest in their gaming, ask questions about it, play with them, be happy for them when they pass a level.

6.  It’s usually helpful for parents/caregivers to be cheeful about gaming AND AT THE SAME TIME - SET RULES.  We should try to avoid nagging and lecturing and instead pleasantly set the rules and stick to them.  "You game when this happens, between these hours, only this game and not that, not at this time and only when this happens.  We will review the rules on this date".  And then stick to it.  Don't walk away and expect them to follow the rules.  Be there, and try to make sure it happens.*

*This is extremely hard. It’s much harder for children and teens with emotional, physical or psychological health challenges. It’s almost impossible for these families at times. In my humble opinion, we should not be judging parents/caregivers who can’t do this and instead, find ways to support them.

Busy? 5 Ways to be a better parent: WITHOUT spending any more time

I've read some articles recently about some terrific parent/young person relationship building strategies. 

They're really great ideas.  They would definitely increase closeness and connection between young people and parents.

But they also take a whole lot of time, and money.  (Think craft activities which involve copious amounts of paint and glue.  Shopping expeditions with teens.  Overnight camping trips.  Rock climbing adventures.)  For busy parents, guilt arises - "when are we going to fit that in?"

It's definitely true that sometimes as parents, we need to put the rest of our lives aside and spend good, long amounts of time with our kids and teens.  Parenting can't be shoved in between work,housework and social engagements.

But wouldn't it be nice if there were also ways we could connect with our kids - that were just really fast?

Actually, I think there are.  Try these five.

1. Use car time

Most parents spend time ferrying kids around.  This car time can be great quality time - if used well.  Have a rule which says "no headphones, reading or phone use in the car".  Or if it's too late for that and you have older kids, say "no headphones, reading or phone use for the front seat passenger".  Make car time - conversation time.  Teach kids and teens to ask you questions.  You ask them questions (not just about school).  Tell them about your day.  Let them choose the music.  Use that dead time to try to connect, where you can.

2. Use email/texts/notes to communicate during the school day

Some parents have a few minutes during the day, or at least a few more minutes than they have during the crazy morning routine/tea/homework times of the day.   Unfortunately at this point, kids and teens are at school and we can't talk to them.  

But we can still send a message.  For older kids and teens - we can send a text or email.  Depending on school rules, they might not be able to respond or even see it until after school - but if we do it during the day at least it's done.  For kids without technology we can write a quick note for them to find under pillow, or ready for the next days' lunch box.

Send or write "I'm proud of you ...I love you.... or well done on..... or hope you are coping with..." messages when you have a minute during the day.

3.  Use chore time

Many of us have endless amounts of cleaning up, washing and cooking to do at home.  Sometimes it's hard to connect with young people during our chore time as they are either off during their own thing, or we are busy concentrating on what we have to do.  

But if we can a) convince young people to hang out with us a bit during this time, and b) find a low concentration way of doing this - then chore time can be a valuable way of connecting.  

One way of doing this is through music, or video.  We can ask young people to bring their device to us, and get them to play us something while we are cooking, cleaning or putting washing away.  We can ask them about it, laugh about it together and at least find out about what they are listening to.

4.  Use eating time

We have to eat.  Kids have to eat.  If we can do it together, quality time can occur.  

It's not easy to do this - for many families dinner time is the most stressful bit of the day - especially if we get ourselves hung up on how much kids eat (never a good idea by the way).  

But if we can relax about this, and realise the more important aspect of eating together is not nutrition but connection - then it can work well.  

(Some families are too big to have good connection over dinner, in which case they divide and conquer - Mum/daughter eating times can happen once a week for example where a couple of people take their dinner to the outside table or somewhere else).

5.  Use homework time

Some parents are having to spend hours each week with a child helping them with homework.  This is not generally quality connection time:  both child and parent are doing something they don't particularly want to do.  Unfortunately, much of the time, this has to happen.

But sometimes, maybe just once a week or so - skip homework and play a boardgame.  Or watch a TED talk together.  Or you read a book they like.  Okay, they might not go so well on their spelling test that week, but they will have been exposed to a different kind of learning.  And more importantly you will have had an opportunity to connect with them.

Parenting doesn't always require marathon clay making sessions.  As with lots of things in life, sometimes a little bit often trumps extended time less often.

Teaching kids to play co-operatively - some example rules

Updated Aug 2022

All children find it tough to play co-operatively together at times, and experience conflict and arguments when they play with each other.

Children with emotional, mental health and life challenges may find it even harder to manage play with others. There are no quick and easy answers to helping children play co-operatively together, however slowly over time we can teach them, specifically and slowly - skills to do this better.  

One of the strategies which help some kids is to brainstorm with them - rules or guidelines they can have when they play with their siblings or friends. We can ask them what rules might help them play well with others and suggest our own.

We can then coach them to both suggest the rules to their peers, negotiate with them and follow the rules themselves.

Easier said than done of course!

But even the experience of talking about this can help children in their process of learning. Here are some example rules which we can suggest to children and see what they think:

Rule Ideas for Kids Playing Together

- No-one HAS to play a game.

• If someone wants someone to play and the other person doesn’t want to – they can offer a deal:  “if you play X with me for X minutes, then I will play Y with you for X minutes”

• BEFORE the game is started, everyone has to say the rules, ESPECIALLY THE rules about TRICKY BITS that caused a fight in the past.
  

• Everyone uses at least one KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCE while playing the game. 

KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCES might include:

“Good shot”

“Have another go”

“You go first”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Bad luck”

Or anything that makes another player feel good.

• All players know that problems happen in games.  This is okay.  When a problem comes up, no-one is allowed to say “cheater” or “cheated”.  Instead they use a soft voice and say:

“I think……………(say the problem)” OR

“Can you please…………..(say what they want)” OR

“Let’s take a break” OR

“Let’s ask Mum/Dad for help” OR

“No big deal, let's just keep playing”

• If kids feel frustrated in a game they say: “I need a five minute time out” and they do something else for a very little while.  Players then come back to the game and try again.

• Screaming, yelling, hitting or hurting are never allowed.

• At the end of the game, the losing player(s) say “CONGRATULATIONS” to the winner.  The winning player(s) say “Good Game” to the losing player(s).

• The Winner always packs up.

When helping children to play together using these rules, its best for them to practice, rather than just talk about these rules. This is especially important for children with challenges and who need support learning new skills.

We can get them to play an example game together, following these rules, while we watch them for ten minutes.  While we are watching, we might.

1. Coach and prompt them ("can you remember some kind sentences to say", "now's the time to say "let's take a break", say it softly please, "remember what do you do BEFORE you start the game", "let's pretend someone breaks a rule - what will you do?")

2. Praise and thank them ("wow, great kind sentence", "nice work on using a calm voice, I'm so impressed", "You're such a good sport to remember to say congratulations", "hey you guys solved that problem so maturely all on your own").

Before you know it, the fights over games will disappear, and you will have taught them vital life skills they will appreciate forever.

Well, in theory. :)

In practice, what will happen is that the fights may happen a tiny bit less often, and slowly over time children will learn more skills in playing well together.  

***

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has helpful videos and activity sheets for children on the skills we need to make and keep friends. There is also a video and tip sheet for parent/carers on coaching our kids in these skills. To find out more, click below.

Teach kids the actual words they need to succeed

Updated Aug 2022

Our psychologists work with children and teens with all kinds of challenges and struggles. Some of them are managing grief, some are struggling with anxiety. Some of them have challenges related to frustration. Others have life challenges.

There are many strategies and approaches we use as therapists to support these young people. However one of these strategies is to teach children to use some specific sentences which would be useful in helping them act in different ways and to feel differently.

For example, we might have worked with some kids to say things like "It's no big deal".  "I can cope".  "I'm fine with this".  "You go first, I don't mind".  "I will be okay".  "I can do this".

Teaching kids the words first might seem backwards to some people. Perhaps they might think we need to first help kids FEEL more confident, to ACT more kindly, to FEEL calmer, to ACT in more co-operative ways. The rationale goes like this - if they feel more like this, and acting more like this - then the "I'm okay" and "You go first" sentences would follow.

If there were quick and easy ways to help children feel more like this, then that would work well. But this is often a slow process. And in the meantime, we often discover that when we give kids the actual words - the exact sentences to say - (and we help their parents/caregivers praise and coach kids to say these words), children do THEN start to feel differently and act differently.

You might like to try this out at home.  Think of a very specific, and particular aspect of your child's or young person’s behaviour you would like to see change.  Perhaps it is acting more co-operatively with their sibling.  Perhaps it is being positive about turning off the computer.  Perhaps it is feeling confident as they go off to school.  Now think of a sentence that they would likely to be saying or thinking as they are doing that very thing.  For example: "I'm happy to share with you", "No worries, I like drawing too", "I can do this".

Then think about how you might request, coach, support and thanks children and young people for using these sentences. This might be a conversation. It might be writing them down. It might be a rehearsal.

For some younger children, you could write all of the sentences in a list - with the title of "calm words" or "kind words" or "positive words" - the title of the list will depend on what fits the list best.  You might ask your child if they are prepared to work on having a "calm/kind/positive words" week.  Tell them you are going to notice every time they say one of the sentences on the poster.  Praise and thank them for doing so.  In some cases, you might like to use some small rewards.

It’s important to explain to young people and children that it is okay if they don’t believe the words 100%. 100% of the time.  Sometimes just practicing these sentences can help with shifting feelings and behaviours.

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has videos and activity sheets for children on how to reassure ourselves using calm words, as well as helpful articles and videos for parents/carers. To find out more please click below: