Every week parents tell me about their worries about their children.  This is quite a privilege....sometimes parents haven't talked to many people about them before they see me.  Hearing a parents' concerns is essential and the start of the problem solving process.

But I also know - because I hear the same things, each week, each year - that many of the things that as parents we worry about in our children are absolutely, perfectly normal.

In other words, the things we worry about are things that many kids, in many families do ALL the time.

They are not signs that the child has some kind of unusual psychological disorder.  

They are not signs that we are bad parents.  

They are not signs that they are bad kids.

I'm only able to have this perspective because I have talked to many thousands of families over the last 20 years.  Because when it comes to our children, worry (guilt, frustration, helplessness) is very easily triggered.

So just FYI, here's a list of some stuff you can relax a little about.

My blog from last week (click here if you missed it) was about questions to ask kids after seeing the movie Inside Out. As I said in this blog , I thought this move was awesome.  I thought it was a great learning tool and conversation starter for kids and parents.  

I loved how the film introduced the ideas of a range of emotions.  I loved how sadness was important for getting help.  I liked the idea of “personality islands” which stood for a person’s interests and values.  I liked the ideas of memories being formed each day, the idea of the subconscious and dream land was very cool indeed.

But there is one thing Inside Out got all wrong.   And I think it's really important we tell our kids about it. 

As a child and adolescent psychologist, I loved Inside Out.   I loved the characters, the way it introduces kids to important ideas about feelings and life, the humour, the voices and the animation.  I cried at the end, but I don’t think that says much given I also cried in Home Alone 2.

Interestingly, my kids didn’t love it quite as much as me.  They found it “okay” but not brilliant.  Some of it went over my youngest’s head, they both found it sad and at times, a little slow.   My 10 year old said, “I think it was more of an educational film, like for school”.

I’m okay with that.  We don’t always like the same movies (When SpongeBob Squarepants comes out on DVD I’m leaving the country). But I’m really glad they saw it, because I think it may help them – and other children - understand and think about emotions differently. 

Of course learning any new concepts takes repetition and conversation, not just the one off watching of a film.  To really help your kids take a leap forward in their understanding of emotions, my suggestion would be to take them to see Inside Out, but then make a follow up date the following week to take them for a milkshake to talk about it.  (And if your diary is looking like mine at the moment, you can even just talk to them about it in the car on the way to school tomorrow). 

But whenever you do find a moment, stop to ask questions and share your ideas about the film.  Find out about their opinions.  Ask them what they liked, found confusing or would change.  And then use these following four questions which might prompt some important teaching moments.

When kids and teens act in challenging and difficult ways, as parents we often feel angry and frustrated. 

But we are not just angry.  More often than not, we are experiencing another, harder to notice, emotion.  When I am working with parents, I will sometimes ask them to figure out what other feelings they have when dealing with young people behaving in tough ways.

Here are the four mostly commonly experienced feelings I hear about.

Fear. 

When kids and teens act in unlikeable, difficult or irresponsible ways, we experience fear about them or their future.  If I don’t teach them this now, bad things will happen.  I’m scared that this will never change.  If they keep on acting in this way, people will dislike them, they will be unsafe, bad things will happen.

Many people assume that psychologists spend all day telling people how to feel better and cope with life.  In fact, junior psychologists themselves sometimes make this assumption. They think they are supposed to be spending most of the time in session talking, giving advice and providing information.

Which means they completely freak out when they can't think of what to say.  I remember this feeling very well!  
While giving good advice, helping with strategies and providing good psycho-education IS part of therapy, it's not the most important thing psychologists do.