John and Judy* came in to see me a few months ago now, directly after dropping their daughter Sally (9) off at school.  I could tell by their faces that the morning had not gone well.  Sure enough, as soon as they sat down they told me about how Sally had "got in trouble" the day before and they'd just spoken to the teacher about it that morning.  It wasn't a helpful conversation.  John was furious and believed the teacher had made many mistakes over the year, and this was "the last straw" for him.  Judy was devastated and in tears, feeling as though she personally was a failure - as well as being worried for her daughter.  

We discussed their options, how to manage their emotions and what to say and do with Sally and her teacher.  It was a difficult session, but they emailed me later to say the next day had been better for them, and they had made a plan for getting through the next week.

Last week I ran a seminar for parents at a local primary school.  I had almost got to the end of the night and we were discussing rules for kids.

As parents, we know that part of our job is to set, monitor and enforce rules for our children.  We have to do this to help them manage life, stay safe, build relationships with others, cope with school and learn skills.

But doing this rule setting, monitoring and enforcing work as a parent is sometimes exhausting and difficult. 

At the end of this seminar last week, with just minutes to go, a parent put up their hand and said something like this:  "I've really tried to set rules, but I just can't seem to make them work.  Any ideas?".

My brain went into overdrive as I started trying to think about what I could say in 3 minutes which would be useful.  Which concepts, reassurance, advice could I give quickly to give her something to go away with? I decided to skip the theory and go straight to what I think is the heart of this stuff.

I started with reminding her that she was entirely normal.  We all feel the same.  It's a lonely job as parents, but it's a mistake to think that we are alone in our struggles.

Second - I asked her to take a minute to reflect on what was the hardest aspect for her personally in setting up, monitoring or enforcing rules with her kids.

I told her that in my experience there are three very good reasons as parents we fail to either set, monitor and enforce rules. Here they are.

One of the shocks for parents of the 9 plus age group is how frequently their kids get irritable, sad, stressed and "moody".

Many of us as parents remember how our younger kids were happy-go-lucky much of the time.  Sure, they'd still get upset at times - if they didn't get what they wanted or had a fight with their siblings, or had to do chores - they might have a meltdown - but as parents we knew what was wrong and after the moment was over (and the chores done/fight resolved) they returned to being their cheerful/high spirited selves.  Plus, the promise of an ice-cream/extra story/trip to the beach would usually put a smile on their face.

But suddenly our children aren't like this any more.

• They act irritably for no obvious reason.
• They seem overly upset about things which didn't use to upset them
• They might "sulk" or take a long time to get over things
• Things/situations which used to provide them great pleasure no longer make them happy
• We can't "fix" it with the promise of a treat/fun activity

These more frequent, seemingly irrational and "not easily fixed" bad moods and irritability are not easy for parents to watch (or to listen to!).  We often feel annoyed ourselves, resentful and concerned.  

The good news is that most of the time, these negative moods does not mean there is anything seriously wrong.  

Do you have a child/teen who is *desperate* to be non stop gaming/watching online video this school holidays?  Have you lectured them about the need for a balance of activities until you’re exhausted and want to throw all i-devices/gaming consoles off the edge of the nearest roof? 

Thousands of kids and teens all over the country this school holidays are spending hours each day gaming.  It’s not surprising. As a society we’ve introduced a set of humans with partially formed brains (and willpower skills) - children - to a highly addictive, satisfying and fascinating activity.  Naturally enough they are having trouble turning it off.

Of course we know that it’s not healthy for young people to be on screens 24/7.  But if they can’t limit their own use - this means parents and carers have to take charge.  This is tough. Dealing with technology use for parents can be exhausting, worrying, constant and tiring.   You’re not alone. 

"Kids with big feelings" is a phrase I sometimes use to describe children who have a tendency to get more frustrated, worried, embarrassed, hurt and sad than other children their age.  I use this phrase because it avoids negativity and reflects the fact that these kids are often also particularly creative, joyful and hilarious fun!

If you are a parent of a child with "big feelings" kids you know that it can be really hard work.   And unlike most other "jobs", we get no training, time for reflection, formal planning processes or team building days...nope, we just do the best we can on the fly.

Sometimes this works out okay.  

However if we can squeeze in some time for reflection and planning - then the job can get easier. 

Here's a exercise to try - "Parenting Reflection Walk" - perhaps over the holidays.  Go for a walk with your parenting partner or a close friend.  And ask them the 19 questions below (change the wording slightly as indicated if it is a friend versus a co-parent) and have them ask you the same ones.  See if it leads to any practical ideas you'd like to implement for 2017.