I was watching an episode of The Good Wife the other night (I know, as usual about a decade behind the times) and there was a discussion about the way some people say “sorry” when they accidentally bump into someone in the stress and others say “hey, watch out!”.

It reminded me of a topic I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reading about lately – the way children think about arguments, problems or difficult situations with their peers (psychologists sometimes call this thinking “attribution style”) and how this influences how they act either angrily or calmly to these problems.   

Research on this topic started back in 1980 when a few pioneering psychologists (eg William Nasby, Ken Dodge and Nicki Crick in particular) started a series of experiments in which they showed children pictures of or told them stories about hypothetical problems with peers – for example someone getting knocked over in a game – and then asked them to say whether they thought another child had done this deliberately and intentionally or whether it had been an accident.

Has your child or teen told you about something today which made them angry, worried or upset?  If you live with a "big feelings" young person, then this is probably a very regular occurrence in your life.

How did you react?  It's interesting to note that we often want to "fix it fast" when we hear about problems by saying things like "you're okay", "don't worry", "calm down" or "let's solve this".  There is nothing wrong with these sentences sometimes, but other times they can be less helpful.

There are many other helpful things we can do when kids tell us they are upset - today let's focus on one possibility : asking more - and better - questions.

There are three helpful things about asking children and young people good questions about things that have upset them.

1. We get more information which means we can better support them.
2. They get a strong message from us:  we care about what is going on

(and ..spoiler alert...most important reason coming up)

You’ve just finished talking to your child’s doctor, paediatrician or psychologist and they have told you your child meets the criteria for a mental health, educational/learning or long term physical health diagnosis.  What do you say to your child/young person? 

10% of young people are diagnosed with a physical disability and up to 20% with a mental health diagnosis during their childhood and adolescence.  Many more young people don’t have a formal diagnosis per se but have tough struggles in a particular area (learning, social, mental health, physical health). 

It’s not surprising therefore that many parents have to grapple with these questions to “What should I say? And How should I say it?”.   

Working out how to talk to children about their challenges and diagnoses can be tough.  But doing this as well as we can is really important. 

When we talk helpfully to children and young people about their challenges we can potentially support them to better understand their challenges, feel less blame and isolation, help them understand the need for treatment/appointments/home activities (when this applies) and also empower them to ask them for what they need when we are not with them. 

In Australia, around 10% of children have a physical, cognitive or mental disability or disorder. Over the years I’ve had the privilege of working with a whole range of these children and adolescents, for example those who’ve been diagnosed with:

• a speech or language disorder or disability

• autism spectrum disorder

• a significant learning disorder or dyslexia,

• a hearing or visual impairment

• attention deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

• a chronic health condition leading to physical disabilities

• and many others

For some of these children, their disability had a huge impact on nearly every area of their social, school and home life.  For other children, their disability was relatively mild, or affected only one area of their life.

Kids and teens have negative experiences with other children and young people very frequently.  From the age of 4 (when physical aggression starts to decrease) feeling hurt, frustrated, distressed and disappointed when interacting with friends and classmates becomes increasingly common. 

For example, one study found that children report having a conflict with one of their good friends approximately once per fortnight.  Another study found that approximately 60% of children and teens report having a “mutual enemy” (someone they dislike and who dislikes them) which presumably is associated with at least some negative interactions.  Other studies find that - depending on how you ask the question - 1 in 4 children/young people say they have experienced “bullying” during their primary or secondary years.