Peer, Social and Sibling Challenges in Primary Aged Children
Kirrilie Smout, Clinical Psychologist, Developing Minds
Please click the link to access the webinar recording - https://vimeo.com/1010452698/ca2eb34746?share=copy
Children and positive peer relationships
On average, children who: Are more likely to:
- Report having positive friendships - Have more positive mental and emotional health
- Have more peers who rate them as someone - Show more “prosocial” behaviour towards others
they like - Have higher educational achievement
- Have higher levels on social skill assessments
Types of social, peer and sibling difficulties managing relationships
1. Feeling lonely or excluded
o Until Year 3 or 4, it is very common for children to play alone at break times (and independent play brings many benefits)
o After this – still common: 60-70% of all primary aged children report feeling lonely occasionally and 10-20% report being lonely “frequently”
o Children with emotional or mental health challenges, neurodiversity, those with disabilities or those from diverse backgrounds are more likely to experience loneliness and exclusion
2. Experiencing ‘arguments’ with friends/siblings (including friendship break down) and ‘unkindness’ from (non-friend) peers in their class, or other social groups
o Children’s conflict with their peers (outside siblings) increases from age of 4 and peaks ages 11-14.
o Only 50% of friendships survive a school year in Year 1 and 2 – and only 75% in Years 6 to 10
o 60% of children report experiencing “rude or mean” behaviour ‘often’.
o Although common - sibling and friend conflict occurs *more often* when children have other mental health or life challenges
3. Experiencing bullying – verbal, physical, face to face or online.
Definition of bullying: a) Repeated aggression or threats of aggression plus b) the intention is to harm (physically or psychologically) plus c) There is an imbalance of power (age/popularity/size/skills) between the ‘bully/bullies’ and the ‘target/targets’
· Around 25% of children experience bullying
· Children with other challenges are more likely to experience bullying
4. Some children struggle with social skill deficits or social differences
o Certain social behaviours are linked to higher levels of well-being (e.g. ability to repair relationships, making conversation, initiate activities (see more examples later)
o Some children find these harder to engage in compared to other children
Children can experience varying levels of distress due to the above four potential challenges. The extent of distress:
o Depends on the age of the child (older children often find these experiences more distressing)
o Research suggests caregivers can find it more distressing than children in some cases
Evidence based support and interventions for social, peer and friendship challenges in primary aged children
o Child Directed Therapy Programs
1) Social problem solving or skill building (using a neurodiversity affirming approach)
2) Cognitive behaviour therapy approaches – looking at children’s thoughts and feelings about social relationships
o In practice these are often combined. There are 5 commonly used interventions used in community practice from these approaches, outlined below.
1.Psychoeducation about friendships, sibling relationships and conflict
o “I can get better at developing friendship skills and coping with tricky times with siblings and friends”
2.Helping children develop emotion regulation skills when worried, frustrated or overwhelmed by friendship/sibling difficulties
o Noticing and challenge worried thinking (“Everyone will think….”, “No-one ….”)
o Noticing and challenging “on purpose” thinking (“they hurt me on purpose”)
o Noticing and challenging “I can’t cope/I’m not good enough” thinking (“This is terrible”, “I can’t cope”)
3.Helping children develop perspective taking and emotion recognition skills
o Helping children be able to see others’ points of view
o Helping children notice when other people are experiencing emotions
4.Helping children work on common friendship and social interaction skills and behaviours
o Sharing decisions Saying what you need and want
o Giving compliments Initiating activities and conversation
o Offering to help Being a good distance from others
o Responding to others’ emotions Using an appropriate amount of eye contact
o Showing interest in others Showing positive emotion
o Being happy for other people Listening for an appropriate length of time
o Sharing opinions and views Keeping still while people are talking
o Knowing and using people’s names Repairing mistakes
Doing this sensitively means acknowledging the importance of choice, assessing for distress, going slowly and not assuming that any one child needs to “fit in” or always accommodate for others preferences of interacting.
5.Helping children with conflict resolution and problem-solving strategies for example:
o Change the activity and change the topic strategy
o Agree, make a joke or “downplay” strategy
o Confident/Calm saying what you like/want strategy
o Stay away or avoid strategy
o Problem solving before it starts strategy
o Super kind/bigger person strategy
o Ask for help
Therapists Working with parents/caregivers – and schools/broader systems and networks
Components might include:
Helping parents/caregivers to:
o Know how to coach their children in conflict resolution and peer/sibling relationship skills
o Respond using empathy and connection strategies
o Use emotion coaching strategies with their children
o Working with schools to adjust expectations, protect/step in when necessary and support friendship development
Is therapy for children’s social problems effective?
o Most studies show increase in social connectedness and decrease in social conflict after therapy programs
o Programs have been shown to be effective for a range of children (including autistic children, those with ADHD, anxiety disorders and with challenging behaviours)
o However, some contradictory findings – as always, some children don’t seem to be helped as much as others.
o Some research shows social therapy programs are more likely to be effective when parents/caregivers also coach children at home (in social skills and emotion regulation) using same approaches
How do I know when – or if – to seek help?
o There are no simple answers – parents/usually have to weigh up the possible benefits and possible costs/challenges:
Possible benefits:
o Often effective and helpful
o Children learn skills and get support
Possible costs/challenges
o Financial costs (Difficult (or impossible) to find gap free services)
o In between sessions ‘work’ – life changes, activities.
o Children can find the sessions hard work sometimes – therapists make as enjoyable as possible – but not ‘play therapy’
o However, if you have any safety concerns for your child – it is important to seek help.
Finding therapy services
Psychologists in private practice, government based mental health programs or school-based psychologists
GPs are a great place to start to get individual referrals
The Find a Psychologist service run by the Aus Psych Society
Family, friend and school referrals
Our services: Developingminds.net.au
Online or self-help programs
Self-help programs can be an effective alternative to 1:1/face to face therapy services
There are online video and game-based programs
Books can also be effective
There are both self-help and group programs available
For parents:
o Triple P online
o Circle of Security Resources
o Tuning into Kids online program
For children:
o Our program: Calm Kid Central (www.calmkidcentral.com)
o Secret agent society
Important note
o Parenting is very difficult at the best of times
o When children have negative peer interactions it can be very distressing
o This is all much harder to do when supporting children with challenges than for the “average” child.
o Our parental instincts are to protect children from hurt – it feels ‘wrong’ at a very instinctive level when we can’t do this.
o It is important to not expect too much of ourselves as parents/caregivers- instead we should be as kind and gentle with ourselves and our journey – as we want to be with our children.
o Remember, at least half of what children do and how they cope with life – is not determined by us, but by other genetic, biological and other environmental influences (less guilt!).
o Depending on the severity and persistence of negative peer interactions, this distress can be mild – or very intense
o Be kind and compassionate to yourself
