Teens and lying: Why and what next
/Most parents of teens I talk to say: “most of all, I just want him/her to be honest with me”. A study of parents desires for teens found that honesty is up the very top of the list of characteristics we wish for our young people.
It is unfortunate therefore, that almost every single teenager lies, and lies frequently. Some recent research by Dr. Nancy Darling in the US, found that out of several hundred teenagers, 98% of them had lied to their parents in the last few months. Teens lie to their parents about many areas of life, including what they spent money on, who they were with, what they wore after leaving the house, about whether parties were supervised, what they did after school and who they were in the car with and what was happening at school.
Why do teenagers lie? I asked a client recently, aged 16, why he lied about his grades to his parents – “because they will be so upset, it’s just not worth the hassle.” This is pretty typical: Dr. Darling found that teens usually lie to protect other people. Another reason teens (and preteens) lie and withhold details is to carve out some area of life which is theirs alone. To escape the constant monitoring and checking up which they are often subject to in the rest of their lives. Teens also lie to get out of trouble and to protect their friends.
So how terrible is it that teens lie to us? First, I think we should consider our own truth telling habits. The average adult lies once a day (sorry, I didn’t hear my phone/I really like your new hair cut/I can’t really afford it right now) and young adults lie twice as much. Perhaps our teens have learnt to lie simply by watching us? Or perhaps they lie just as a natural course of growing up.
In either case, I think expecting 100% honesty from our teens, on every single occasion is asking too much: and setting them and us up for failure. Here are some ideas to consider instead.
Conversations about honesty
We might ask teens about what they think the negative consequences are – for them – of lying. We can share our opinion and experiences of dishonesty and honesty. We might talk about the positive consequences of honesty.
Being grateful and positive when teens are honest with us
It can be useful to thank young people when they are honest in difficult situations. To respond positively - or as positively as possible. This is not always easy, but if we can do this young people are more likely to continue to be honest with us more often.
Reacting calmly when we discover dishonesty
Ideally, we will try to be calm. To remind ourselves that it is normal. To be understanding about the pressure a teen feels to lie. This is not easy. Sometimes we will need to seek support, and care for ourselves. It hurts a great deal to feel betrayed by someone you love.
Sometimes there are negative consequences to dishonesty and that can be appropriate and okay
If we discover dishonesty which is unhelpful for us, teens and their life - sometimes it means it is going to take a while for us to trust them okay. It’s okay that teens know this and experience it.
In the long term however, we need work on being the kind of parent a teen feels they can tell the truth to as much as possible.
This doesn’t mean having no rules. This doesn’t mean not providing negative consequences for teens when they cross a line. (In fact Darling’s research showed that teens who had permissive parents – parents who don’t expect their teens to do anything, contribute to the household, and who allow them to do whatever they want – lied just as much as teens with stricter parents).
But it does mean continually showing respect for, interest in, love and admiration for the teenager, being gently curious about their lives and opinions, getting to know and then showing understanding about the pressures and stressors they face. I believe that when a teenager knows that we are “on their team” – they are slightly less likely to lie – at least less often. That’s the truth as I see it.
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