Four ideas in supporting Perfectionistic Students
/Written 2017, Updated August 2024
Here’s a common description we might hear from a parent/caregiver with concerns about their young person:
“Jess has always been very capable at school but she is constantly very anxious about getting things wrong. If she can’t do it perfectly, she won’t do it at all. She digs in her heels and it doesn’t seem to matter what I say to her. Getting homework done in a reasonable time is a daily battle.”
One of the challenges this young person might be struggling with is perfectionism.
We very often see students who struggle with perfectionism. Here are some typical behaviours of perfectionistic young people:
Unwilling to put up their hand to answer questions in case they get them get wrong
Reluctant to start tasks until they are 110% sure they know what to do
Unwilling to start homework tasks because they feel they are not going to do it “right”
Being dissatisfied with a standard of work which others see as acceptable
Get very upset if they get work wrong/receive low grades/make mistakes
Work very slowly in order to be excessively neat or to not make mistakes
Starting over repeatedly in order to make work perfect
Perfectionism in students is a problem in several ways. First, It slows students down which is not only frustrating for them (and others) but it also means their rate of learning is slower and they miss vital learning time.
Secondly, perfectionistic children and teens who don’t take ‘guesses’ or try activities have less opportunity to problem solve which in turn slows their learning.
Thirdly, behaving in perfectionistic ways increases the chance the student will be even more perfectionistic in the future. Working slowly makes students work even more slowly over time. Being unwilling to try new work makes students less likely to try new work in the future. It’s a vicious cycle. One research study found that young children who answered more questions in the classroom at the beginning of the year were more likely to improve by the end of the year than the children who didn’t answer questions – even if the question answerers got the answer wrong.
An important thing to understand about perfectionism is that perfectionism is anxiety.
Perfectionistic kids and teens are worried kids and teens. It might look like they are being stubborn, lazy, irritated and refusing to accept help – but really, at the heart of it all – they are anxious. Often they are very anxious - and trying desperately to avoid failing, making mistakes and feeling bad about themselves.
Once we understand that perfectionism is anxiety, we can more effectively help students. As with all anxiety problems, we need to start by being empathic and caring toward the child. Then we must try to not allow anxiety to dictate what the child does. Instead, we need to focus on teaching and coaching children to build skills in brave and confident behaviour.
Here are five specific ways to do this which can be helpful for some families.
1. Help children/teens see the benefits in getting things wrong, making mistakes and receiving lower grades
Many children have heard a lot from adults about the importance of accuracy, neatness and doing well. From an early age we say “great” when they get things right, and “no” when they get things wrong. It makes sense why some kids now might be stuck overvaluing accuracy. For some children it can be helpful spend time teaching them the value and benefits which can come from making mistakes and not always getting things perfect. Here are some ways to do this.
(a) Ask your child or teen to help you make a list titled: Why It is Okay to Make Mistakes.
Together with your child/teen, write out as many ideas as you can and then put the list on the fridge, get them to take a photo of it to keep on their phone/device, or get them to put it where they do homework. Ask the student for ideas and then add your own. In case you need some prompting, here are some things to start with:
Mistakes make us think harder and try harder
Everyone makes mistakes, including very smart people, parents and teachers
Getting things wrong gives us another opportunity to do it again, which helps us be better
Getting things wrong develops patience and persistence – two skills that are more important than getting things perfect
If you are making mistakes it might mean you are working at a good speed (not too slowly)
Lower grades/mistakes mean other people can help us which is good for relationships
(b) When you make a mistake yourself, consider bringing it to your child/teen’s attention
When you make a mistake, consider saying something like, “hmm, I stuffed that up. Oh well I guess everyone makes mistakes”. or “Yep, I didn’t do that very well. That’s a bit disappointing. Well I guess this has taught me to……..” or “I clearly got that wrong. Still, at least I get to try it again and get a bit more practice”. And so on.
(c) Encourage children/teens for using calm coping statements when they get things wrong.
Three key calm coping statements essential for children/teens to learn and practise saying are, “I’m okay”, “This is not terrible” and “Never mind, I can cope”. You might like to have these three coping statements stuck on your family noticeboard and tell kids you are going to try to listen out for these statements, and thank and affirm each time you hear them being said. Younger children might like stickers on the poster for every time you hear them say it.
2. Help children and teens practice non-perfectionistic behaviour
As well as helping children and teens feel calmer about mistakes, lower grades and getting things wrong, we want to help students actually act out non perfectionistic behaviour. More specifically we might like to help children/teens practice: getting things wrong or doing things at a lower standard, doing things quickly and taking guesses/trying work. The more practice they get in doing these things - and subsequently seeing that these things didn’t kill them - the more likely it is their anxiety will decrease.
Here are some ways to do this.
(a) For younger children we might create games and activities around “brave mistake making behaviour”
Games or activities like pictionary, charades, free building lego and other creative activities can encourage risk taking in younger children. For some families, making a game of doing “fast work” instead of “right work” in homework at times can be useful: Use a timer and see if the child can beat their best time for finishing a list of words or other homework task. You can join in the competition yourself – you can time almost any task, how many words read (incorrectly is fine) in a minute, how many spelling words written in 2 minutes, try to beat our record for how fast you can copy a drawing. If the child gets too anxious in doing this for homework tasks initially, get them practising speed and mistakes in other areas, and then gradually introduce it within homework sessions.
(b) Thank, affirm and praise non perfectionistic behaviour
If perfectionistic children/teens do take guesses, finish work quickly or resist their impulses to be perfectionistic - try to “catch” this - and thank and affirm them for this. Remind them of the benefits (I see you were prepared to give that a go even though you didn’t really know the answer, I reckon that helped you learn that idea more quickly than you would have if you didn’t try it - well done). Some children might benefit from a structured system of rewards for a short period of time. For example, you might have a reward/sticker chart for specific brave behaviours - this is about acknowledging the effort it takes for a perfectionistic child to act in brave ways.
This is also about just generally focusing on efforts rather than outcomes. For example:
“Fantastic on persisting and keeping on working on those hard sums”
“I see that you concentrated really hard during that homework session”.
“Wow, you asked me that question in a really calm voice. You are getting great at keeping calm even while you have difficult work to do”
“I loved your enthusiasm for working through that difficult work”
(c ) Make it harder for children/teens to act in perfectionistic ways
Although parents/caregivers don’t have full control over perfectionistic behaviour in their children, there are sometimes ways to reduce accomodations/make it harder for kids/teens to do this. If we can make some changes, this can reduce the cycle (with more perfectionistic behaviour leading to more perfectionistic behaviour). For example, some families I’ve worked with have sensibly implemented a “homework is over” deadline each night, regardless of how much homework has been done. Some families have a rule that students can’t restart their work more than one time. Some parents wisely insist that their children take a guess at something before getting help from them. For older students, this also means trying to make sure perfectionistic students hand in whatever work is completed and received a grade for that work rather than avoid the issue by just not submitting the work at all.
Other strategies involve making it seem easier to just get started on work. Some students I’ve worked with have written their drafts in purple and large font to make them seem less like the final copy, which encourages them to just get started. Some teen students have a “write like a Year 3” rule for the first draft so they can just get something on the page.
3. When children/teens are in high anxiety/refusal mode
Here are a few ideas about what to do right at the moment of panic, when a child/teen is at home completing a task and has high anxiety about what to do.
a) Using empathy and care
Remember a child/teen who is highly anxious has a brain which is telling them “danger” - they have brains and bodies which are flooded by neurochemicals, alert systems and other biological systems not designed for thinking - but designed for fighting, fleeing or freezing. This is not their fault. Keeping this in mind can make it easier to care for them. Saying sentences like “I can see you are feeling really anxious about this” or “I’m really sorry your brain is making you so worried right now. It must feel awful” or “Is there anything I can do” - may help some young people.
b) Helping them reduce their physical tension
If a student can breathe slowly and deeply for a minute, it may help lower their adrenalin levels and reduce their physiological fear responses. it may be helpful to say to the student: “I know this is stressful. We will solve this problem together. But before we do that, I’d like you to take five big, slow breaths with me.”
c) Distract/Short Break
It is often helpful, if a child/teen is extremely anxious to encourage them to take a break and think about or do something else. We might say something like “Okay, you are feeling stressed and so your brain is probably not working that well right now. Let’s think about something else for one minute: tell me about wht you would like to do for your birthday this year/if you had a $100 right now what would you spend it on/what is your favourite level on your xbox game right now?”
This is not always easy of course, because some young people are anxious about the task that taking a break feels to them like a failure (and some times parents are just keen to get it done as well). Emphasising the “short” nature of the break, can sometimes be helpful in these situations.
d) If then returning to the task – focus on small steps, with thanks and praise
If it is appropriate to then go back to the assignment - it may be helpful to try to help the child/teen focus on a very small next step. For example, this might meaning saying things like: “Okay, You need to try to write one sentence/word/sum, and we can change it later, but you need to write one sentence/word/sum. Don’t think about the bit after that, we just want to think about this next one”.
It may be helpful to thank and affirm children/teens for taking small steps. Then help them think about the very next step.
e) Time’s up/Back away
Sometimes, parents/children/teen just need to let it go - for example, for some families, after an agreed upon amount of time, homework time may just need to be over regardless of whether it is done or not. It might be helpful to say something like, “So homework time is over, I know you didn’t get it finished but we need to stop now”.
Alternatively, sometimes children/teens need to have time on their own without a parent/caregiver there to manage things as best they can. Sometimes they do better without being observed.
It is also really important - throughout this whole process - to stay in touch with the school and teachers. Excessive homework is not useful for children even if they are not perfectionistic. And even for older children and teens, excessive amounts of work at home - especially when associated with high anxiety should be discussed with the school to see how teachers might be able to help.
4. Be patient
It is really tough as parent/caregiver to be patient with perfectionistic students. Often it feels like the child is being stubborn, or that they are capable and just choose to be difficult.
It is important to keep reminding ourselves that children/teens are anxious. Just like supporting a child/teen with learning difficulties requires lots of patience and ongoing tutoring, the child/teen with perfectionistic anxiety difficulties also needs lots of patience and ongoing tutoring from us in how to act calmly, take guesses and work quickly. If we persist with the strategies listed above, they are likely to improve in their ability to manage this, but it will take some time and effort.
If you are wanting more help with a perfectionistic student, you might like to go here for information on our counselling services.
Kirrilie
Calm Kid Central has a video for parents/carers on questions to ask worried or stressed kids, and a video on helping anxious kids get calm by relaxing their body. There are also some videos and activity sheets for children on catching and understanding worried thoughts. For more information, please click below.
