Busy? 5 Ways to be a better parent: WITHOUT spending any more time

I've read some articles recently about some terrific parent/young person relationship building strategies. 

They're really great ideas.  They would definitely increase closeness and connection between young people and parents.

But they also take a whole lot of time, and money.  (Think craft activities which involve copious amounts of paint and glue.  Shopping expeditions with teens.  Overnight camping trips.  Rock climbing adventures.)  For busy parents, guilt arises - "when are we going to fit that in?"

It's definitely true that sometimes as parents, we need to put the rest of our lives aside and spend good, long amounts of time with our kids and teens.  Parenting can't be shoved in between work,housework and social engagements.

But wouldn't it be nice if there were also ways we could connect with our kids - that were just really fast?

Actually, I think there are.  Try these five.

1. Use car time

Most parents spend time ferrying kids around.  This car time can be great quality time - if used well.  Have a rule which says "no headphones, reading or phone use in the car".  Or if it's too late for that and you have older kids, say "no headphones, reading or phone use for the front seat passenger".  Make car time - conversation time.  Teach kids and teens to ask you questions.  You ask them questions (not just about school).  Tell them about your day.  Let them choose the music.  Use that dead time to try to connect, where you can.

2. Use email/texts/notes to communicate during the school day

Some parents have a few minutes during the day, or at least a few more minutes than they have during the crazy morning routine/tea/homework times of the day.   Unfortunately at this point, kids and teens are at school and we can't talk to them.  

But we can still send a message.  For older kids and teens - we can send a text or email.  Depending on school rules, they might not be able to respond or even see it until after school - but if we do it during the day at least it's done.  For kids without technology we can write a quick note for them to find under pillow, or ready for the next days' lunch box.

Send or write "I'm proud of you ...I love you.... or well done on..... or hope you are coping with..." messages when you have a minute during the day.

3.  Use chore time

Many of us have endless amounts of cleaning up, washing and cooking to do at home.  Sometimes it's hard to connect with young people during our chore time as they are either off during their own thing, or we are busy concentrating on what we have to do.  

But if we can a) convince young people to hang out with us a bit during this time, and b) find a low concentration way of doing this - then chore time can be a valuable way of connecting.  

One way of doing this is through music, or video.  We can ask young people to bring their device to us, and get them to play us something while we are cooking, cleaning or putting washing away.  We can ask them about it, laugh about it together and at least find out about what they are listening to.

4.  Use eating time

We have to eat.  Kids have to eat.  If we can do it together, quality time can occur.  

It's not easy to do this - for many families dinner time is the most stressful bit of the day - especially if we get ourselves hung up on how much kids eat (never a good idea by the way).  

But if we can relax about this, and realise the more important aspect of eating together is not nutrition but connection - then it can work well.  

(Some families are too big to have good connection over dinner, in which case they divide and conquer - Mum/daughter eating times can happen once a week for example where a couple of people take their dinner to the outside table or somewhere else).

5.  Use homework time

Some parents are having to spend hours each week with a child helping them with homework.  This is not generally quality connection time:  both child and parent are doing something they don't particularly want to do.  Unfortunately, much of the time, this has to happen.

But sometimes, maybe just once a week or so - skip homework and play a boardgame.  Or watch a TED talk together.  Or you read a book they like.  Okay, they might not go so well on their spelling test that week, but they will have been exposed to a different kind of learning.  And more importantly you will have had an opportunity to connect with them.

Parenting doesn't always require marathon clay making sessions.  As with lots of things in life, sometimes a little bit often trumps extended time less often.

Teaching kids to play co-operatively - some example rules

Updated Aug 2022

All children find it tough to play co-operatively together at times, and experience conflict and arguments when they play with each other.

Children with emotional, mental health and life challenges may find it even harder to manage play with others. There are no quick and easy answers to helping children play co-operatively together, however slowly over time we can teach them, specifically and slowly - skills to do this better.  

One of the strategies which help some kids is to brainstorm with them - rules or guidelines they can have when they play with their siblings or friends. We can ask them what rules might help them play well with others and suggest our own.

We can then coach them to both suggest the rules to their peers, negotiate with them and follow the rules themselves.

Easier said than done of course!

But even the experience of talking about this can help children in their process of learning. Here are some example rules which we can suggest to children and see what they think:

Rule Ideas for Kids Playing Together

- No-one HAS to play a game.

• If someone wants someone to play and the other person doesn’t want to – they can offer a deal:  “if you play X with me for X minutes, then I will play Y with you for X minutes”

• BEFORE the game is started, everyone has to say the rules, ESPECIALLY THE rules about TRICKY BITS that caused a fight in the past.
  

• Everyone uses at least one KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCE while playing the game. 

KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCES might include:

“Good shot”

“Have another go”

“You go first”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Bad luck”

Or anything that makes another player feel good.

• All players know that problems happen in games.  This is okay.  When a problem comes up, no-one is allowed to say “cheater” or “cheated”.  Instead they use a soft voice and say:

“I think……………(say the problem)” OR

“Can you please…………..(say what they want)” OR

“Let’s take a break” OR

“Let’s ask Mum/Dad for help” OR

“No big deal, let's just keep playing”

• If kids feel frustrated in a game they say: “I need a five minute time out” and they do something else for a very little while.  Players then come back to the game and try again.

• Screaming, yelling, hitting or hurting are never allowed.

• At the end of the game, the losing player(s) say “CONGRATULATIONS” to the winner.  The winning player(s) say “Good Game” to the losing player(s).

• The Winner always packs up.

When helping children to play together using these rules, its best for them to practice, rather than just talk about these rules. This is especially important for children with challenges and who need support learning new skills.

We can get them to play an example game together, following these rules, while we watch them for ten minutes.  While we are watching, we might.

1. Coach and prompt them ("can you remember some kind sentences to say", "now's the time to say "let's take a break", say it softly please, "remember what do you do BEFORE you start the game", "let's pretend someone breaks a rule - what will you do?")

2. Praise and thank them ("wow, great kind sentence", "nice work on using a calm voice, I'm so impressed", "You're such a good sport to remember to say congratulations", "hey you guys solved that problem so maturely all on your own").

Before you know it, the fights over games will disappear, and you will have taught them vital life skills they will appreciate forever.

Well, in theory. :)

In practice, what will happen is that the fights may happen a tiny bit less often, and slowly over time children will learn more skills in playing well together.  

***

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has helpful videos and activity sheets for children on the skills we need to make and keep friends. There is also a video and tip sheet for parent/carers on coaching our kids in these skills. To find out more, click below.

Teach kids the actual words they need to succeed

Updated Aug 2022

Our psychologists work with children and teens with all kinds of challenges and struggles. Some of them are managing grief, some are struggling with anxiety. Some of them have challenges related to frustration. Others have life challenges.

There are many strategies and approaches we use as therapists to support these young people. However one of these strategies is to teach children to use some specific sentences which would be useful in helping them act in different ways and to feel differently.

For example, we might have worked with some kids to say things like "It's no big deal".  "I can cope".  "I'm fine with this".  "You go first, I don't mind".  "I will be okay".  "I can do this".

Teaching kids the words first might seem backwards to some people. Perhaps they might think we need to first help kids FEEL more confident, to ACT more kindly, to FEEL calmer, to ACT in more co-operative ways. The rationale goes like this - if they feel more like this, and acting more like this - then the "I'm okay" and "You go first" sentences would follow.

If there were quick and easy ways to help children feel more like this, then that would work well. But this is often a slow process. And in the meantime, we often discover that when we give kids the actual words - the exact sentences to say - (and we help their parents/caregivers praise and coach kids to say these words), children do THEN start to feel differently and act differently.

You might like to try this out at home.  Think of a very specific, and particular aspect of your child's or young person’s behaviour you would like to see change.  Perhaps it is acting more co-operatively with their sibling.  Perhaps it is being positive about turning off the computer.  Perhaps it is feeling confident as they go off to school.  Now think of a sentence that they would likely to be saying or thinking as they are doing that very thing.  For example: "I'm happy to share with you", "No worries, I like drawing too", "I can do this".

Then think about how you might request, coach, support and thanks children and young people for using these sentences. This might be a conversation. It might be writing them down. It might be a rehearsal.

For some younger children, you could write all of the sentences in a list - with the title of "calm words" or "kind words" or "positive words" - the title of the list will depend on what fits the list best.  You might ask your child if they are prepared to work on having a "calm/kind/positive words" week.  Tell them you are going to notice every time they say one of the sentences on the poster.  Praise and thank them for doing so.  In some cases, you might like to use some small rewards.

It’s important to explain to young people and children that it is okay if they don’t believe the words 100%. 100% of the time.  Sometimes just practicing these sentences can help with shifting feelings and behaviours.

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has videos and activity sheets for children on how to reassure ourselves using calm words, as well as helpful articles and videos for parents/carers. To find out more please click below:

Four Amazing, Life Changing Lessons Children Can Learn through Tough Times

Updated Aug 22

Much of our work here at Developing Minds involves listening to parents/caregivers tell us about the suffering their child or young person has experienced. We hear stories and examples of children and teens experiencing trauma, difficult times, challenges, worry, sadness, frustration and confusion about issues related to school, family, friendships, learning, disability, death, loss and a hundred other things that make life difficult or at times, unbearable.

One of the greatest sources of pain as a parent in life is watching your child suffer. 

It breaks our heart. 

Our greatest instinct is to protect our children from suffering, and when we can’t do that, it hurts really, really bad.  Dare I say, sometimes it hurts US more than our kids.

So to all the parents out there with kids and teens who are struggling, this article is for you. 

It contains no tips about how to help your child, no parenting strategies and no ideas about helping your child problem solve or feel better.  Instead, this is all about helping you, dear parent, find a bit of hope, a way to cope and a way for you to survive your own worry and pain. 

This article is about the amazing, life changing lessons I've seen children and teens learn in the midst of challenges and struggles.  This is about way children gain from struggle, how they can benefit, increase their skills and learn wisdom from sorrow.  

I hope this gives you some small amount of comfort.

The Four Amazing, Life Changing Lessons Children Can Learn Though Tough Times

1. I am not alone in the world

When kids and teens go through tough stuff and they have an adult who listens, cares and even weeps tears with them - they learn this:  I am not alone.  When the going gets tough, there are people who will rally around me, care about me and be on my team.    

Children who are loved through tough times learn that their Mum/Dad/Nana/Papa/Aunt (or whoever it is) will listen to them and be there for them  – even in hard times.  Learning this lesson is life changing. 

Once children know that they will not be abandoned in the middle of struggles, they are more likely to take risks, develop coping skills, be less afraid of problems.  When children know there are people around them who will support them in difficult times they grow to become adults who have better emotional, physical, and mental health. 

Sure, kids and teens who haven’t been through challenges might know they are loved.  But children who experience adversity and get loved through that adversity – they really know:  I’m loved no matter what happens to me.  And this lesson is worth its weight in gold.

2. Children in tough times learn that life (school/friends/people/life)isn’t perfect

Most children, when they are very little, don’t have any understanding of how tough life can be.  Most have not yet struggled with the harsh realities that adults know exist.  This is fine. It's okay to protect children, for some time, from some things.

But at some point, children will be exposed to the darker sides of life.  People aren’t always kind.  Money is finite.  People die.  Relationships don’t always last.  School isn’t always interesting.  Decisions aren’t always fair.  The question is - when should this happen?

The truth is, we usually don't have a choice as to when our kids learn this.  But I suspect that adults who have not experienced these things in their childhood tend to have a tough time in some ways.  Young adults I see who have had little adversity to deal with sometimes fall apart at a hint of drama.  In contrast, people who go through tough times during childhood learn early on that some problems are not always “solved” but “lived with”. 

These kids know that life can be difficult, and that fairy tales don’t exist.  They don’t have to learn this as adults – they know it – they really know it.  And this can save them from a lot of pain and a lot of falling apart later on.

3. Children in tough times learn that they are fighters, and a problem solvers, and copers.

When children experience challenges and tough times, and then find coping strategies – well this is when the magic really happens.  As hard times unfold, many children develop coping skills, ways of communicating hard stuff, how to get to sleep when you are worried, how to ask for help and how to accept it.  They listen to real – and tough conversations where the big issues of life are discussed and they join in.  They learn about finding things to do rather than sit and listen to the voices in their head.  They learn how to take a breath and keep going after shocks and hurts.  They learn to stand up for themselves.  They learn resilience.

A study done in the US a few years ago asked adults about the adversity or tragedy they had experienced as a child – whether they felt they had a small amount, a medium amount or a very high amount.  Then they asked them about their coping skills now in adult hood.  An interesting picture emerged from the results.  The adults who felt they had a very high amount of adversity or tragedy in their childhood had low coping skills as adults.  This probably isn’t greatly surprising. 

But here’s the kicker, the adults who felt they had a very SMALL amount of adversity or tragedy in childhood also had low coping skills as adults.    It seems that experiencing some tough times, and some challenges in life as a child leads to the maximum amount of coping skills as adults.

Our kids and teens are learning incredible skills when they go through tough times, skills that they will have for their life.  And they can see themselves as fighters, problem solvers and copers.  Which is exactly what they are.

4. Children in tough times learn that challenges are not catastrophes

I’m a little hesitant to add this one because for example children, their challenges really are catastrophic.  If you have experienced true disasters - and your child has lost their family members, home and community – then this one doesn’t apply to you.  Some situations that children go through are truly tragic.  

However, often our children are experiencing really, really tough times but they are not catastrophic.  On a scale from stubbing your toe as a “1” right up to global warfare/catastrophe as a “100”, most of our children are probably on the lower end of 100 than the higher. 

Most children, once they go through tough times, start to understand this.  They figuratively check their pulse and realise that they have survived the difficult circumstances. They notice that they still can have fun, laugh and have moments of being okay, even while they are going through something really tough. They see that the sun still rose and that they, fundamentally, right now – they are okay.

This means, next time the challenges come – these children have the potential to see context and perspective.  They can see the tough times in life as really sad, tragic even – but not the end of the world.

So to my fellow worried, sad parents of sad and worried kids, when you’ve done everything you can for your child, and you are lying in bed at night thinking about their struggles – and your heart is breaking, remember these things. 

If you are empathic and caring, if you are helping your child face their challenges head on, if you are helping your child notice their coping skills and the joy in their life – then your child, even while they are suffering, is learning some amazing stuff.

Hold on to that, and maybe, just maybe you might be able to get back to sleep.

Kirrilie

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has articles, videos and activities for children and their parents/carers on helping with anxiety, worry and stress. To find out more click below:

6 ideas for “less parent yelling”, but why we don't need to panic

Updated Aug 2022

Some time back the Huffington Post shared an article titled "Yelling at our kids could be as harmful as physical discipline".  We’ve had a few messages inquiring about the article with some readers saying they have been feeling uncomfortable about their parenting since reading it.  

This may be particularly difficult for families with children with emotional and mental health concerns and other challenges - parents worry that their children may be particularly impacted by worrying, and also that parents of children with challenge may have more to be frustrated about and more prone to yelling in families.

So we went back and read the original study.   It made things a little clearer and less worrying. Here's what we found:

The researchers in this study were not just looking at the effects of raised voices, but instead were looking at the effects of "harsh verbal discipline". In their questionnaire for parents they bundled three question items together: "yelling, screaming and shouting", "swearing or cussing at the child" and "calling the child a name, such as lazy or dumb".   Any "yes" for any of these behaviours gave the parents a point towards their "harsh verbal criticism" score.  The higher the harsh verbal criticism level, the more likely it was their children (aged 13 and 14) experienced negative effects on their social and emotional well being.   So without seeing a breakdown of the actual data, it is possible that for the parents who scored above average on "harsh verbal criticism" were those that consistently swore and insulted the child, not those that "just" yelled. There was no focus on children with particular challenges - it was looking at children in the general population.

Looking at the literature generally over the last 10 years, there is not any research (that we could find) which examined the effects of parents raising their voices, without also considering other (and theoretically harsher) forms of verbal punishment.  

We suspect this is partly because researchers would find it hard to actually find children who have never been yelled at! Some surveys we found indicated that between 75% and 90% of parents say they have yelled at their children at least once in the last 12 months.

So as far as the research goes, the jury is still out.  We do not yet have any evidence that finds that raising our voices at children is demonstrably harmful in any way.

"Phew" :)

However, instinctively as parents/caregivers, we don't really want to yell at our kids.  We yell because we are frustrated (and again, some families have a lot to be frustrated/overwhelmed by), not because we think it works any better than speaking in a firm, steady, calm voice.   

For interest sake- we think there are at least two possible reasons that yelling does not work that well.  First, our own yelling prompts a FURTHER increase in our own frustration.  In other words - not only do we yell because we are frustrated, but we get more frustrated after we yell.  It increases guilt, annoyance and general "overwhelm" in us as parents.  Not the most ideal state to be thinking strategically and carefully about how we can manage a tricky parenting situation.

Second, once we yell at kids, their own "fight/flight/attack/defence/attack" systems are probably on the rise.  Adrenalin rates, muscle tension and emotional systems tend to ramp up when someone is raising their voice at us - whether we are children or adults.   This might be particularly true for children with emotional health challenges. Now while studies above cannot say for sure that this causes any long term damage, it does nothing to help kids learn at the time.  

Learning happens best in kids when they are calm.

So overall here’s what we can conclude so far:  we don't have any evidence to say that yelling harms our kids, but we can make a pretty solid guess that it doesn't help them (or us) either.  

How can we work on doing less yelling at our kids and teens? Unfortunately there are no magic solutions. Here are a few ideas that sometimes help families we work with:

a) Consistently allow extra time to do anything with our children.  

Kids take far, far longer to do things than seems reasonable. How could it possibly take 10 minutes to tie your shoelaces?  Well, when you are 10, yes it does appear to take that long.  It also takes them a long time to switch "off" from other activities and "onto" the things we want them to do.

Bottom line:  whenever we need to be somewhere at a certain time, or want children to do difficult things, we must factor in the "child processing time".  This also goes for teens.  Teen brains are also less developed than adult brains.  They have to cope with higher levels of distractibility, a focus on how they are coming across to others and a myriad of other mood changes.  Extra time can often help.

b) We need to talk to kids and teens in advance of trouble spots.  

Take a second to stop reading for a minute and think about the answer to this question:  what will make you lose your temper in the next month with your children/teens?

No really, pause just for a minute and try to predict the three most likely scenarios.

Got them?  So now we have that information, lets use it. How can we help our children/teens and ourselves to avoid that situation before it happens.  What do we need to coach, teach and rehearse with them to be able to do better in that situation?  

Having conversations prior to the problems is essential.  We need to talk with them in the car, when we are all calm, the night before at bedtime when they are feeling relaxed, we need to get them to walk through the steps of doing better on the weekend when there is less pressure, we need to find times beforehand or afterwards.

Side note - kids/teens often don't want to have these conversations.  This is understandable.   It's not fun for anyone to talk about trouble spots when they aren't happening, no one wants to discuss unpleasant topics if they don't really have to. However we have a much better chance of dealing calmly with the issue if we don't wait until emotions are high and time is tight.  If we can do this, at least some of the time, it often helps.

C) Get Closer

Whenever we need to talk to our kids and teens, we should consider whether it would help to get closer to them, look them in the eye and/or put a gentle hand on their shoulder. When we get closer to kids in talking with them, two things often happen.  

First, we get their attention.  Some studies show they are almost twice as likely to listen.

Second, instinctively we are less likely to yell at someone when we are close to them.  We tone it down a little when someone's face is *right there*.  This will help us control our own frustration.  

(Quick note 1: Some children - eg neurodiverse - may not respond well to eye contact or touch - it’s important to read the signs and respect what helps your child.)

(Quick note 2:  if you feel you are out of control of your anger and might strike your child, of course, ignore this advice and instead walk away and keep yourself and your child safe).

d) We might make ourselves a little more accountable.  

Anytime we set a goal, if someone knows about it, we are more likely to try to stick to it.  Making a goal to reduce our yelling may be the same. It can be helpful to tell a partner, a close friend or another parent:  "I'm really working hard on talking calmly to the kids at the moment.  It's something that it's important to me, and I want to do it more often".   Next time, we start to yell, we will remember this conversation and it might help, a little.

We can also make ourselves accountable by telling our kids themselves that we don't want to yell at them.  Say "Mum/Dad is working hard on not yelling at you too much and talking in a calm and quieter voice, even when I'm frustrated.  It's really tough sometimes, but I'm going to try hard".  When you do slip up, apologise to them, "I wish I had said that to you in a calmer voice, I'm sorry for yelling".  Not only does this help keep it uppermost in our mind, apologising ourselves is a great way of teaching kids and teens about making amends.

e) Breathe

When you find yourself extremely frustrated, running late, stressed, incredibly disappointed at your children's behaviour:  Breathe.  Slowly.  Take a deep breathe three times.  It really does help.  It changes brain activation patterns and allows us to think more clearly.  Try it now, and see.  Breathe deeply, slowly and let your shoulders drop.  You can probably feel a reduction in your muscle tension. What you can't observe as easily is the changes in your brain - but they do happen - and this makes it easier for us to speak calmly

Finally, be compassionate towards yourself AND the children.  

Parenting is one of the most incredibly frustration, annoying, hurtful, disappointing, confusing and scary things we have to do in all of our lives. This is true for parents of children without any particular challenges - if you have children with mental health, emotional or other life difficulties then it is all the more difficult.  

Of course then - we will all make mistakes as parents - we shouldn’t be too critical- but instead take a minute to be kind to ourselves.  
We can always start again tomorrow.

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has a video and tip sheet for parents/carers on calmer before-school routines, and a few videos on helping kids with tricky behaviour. For more information click below: