Top 20 questions to ask your primary school child before they return to school next week

In two short days the school year starts again.  Yes, we are a very two short days away from lunch box packing, school drop offs and misplacing school uniform items.  If you are a parent of a school aged child then you possibly have been covering books (top tip:  schoolbook covers BEST THING EVER.  Rolls of contact - never need to see you again in my life) and fishing out bananas from December school bags.  Or perhaps like me, you'll leave that till the night before.  

But there's a more important thing to do before school goes back.  And that's to have a conversation with our kids about how they feel about the school year, what their goals are, their worries, what they are looking forward to and how we can support them this year.  

If you haven't done this yet - make the time.  It doesnt have to be a lengthy conversation or a serious and meaningful one.  But a short chat often alerts us to helpful info, gets children thinking and reminds them that we are interested in their lives.

Can't think of what to ask?  Here are some question ideas to get you thinking.  Don't feel the need to cover all of these, and don't make it an interrogation.  But asking just a few of these might really help your child - even more than not having a squished banana in their bag.

• What are you looking forward to about being in year X?
• What 3 friends are you most looking forward to catching up with in the first week?
• What kinds of books would you like to read this year?
• Is there anyone in your class this year you are worried about getting along with this year?
• How could you be even kinder to other kids at school this year?
• What 3 things you most like to pack in your lunch box this year?
• What can you do if you feel worried or upset about somehing at school this year?
• What's one with I can do differently as your mum/dad this year to help you have a great school year?  Is there anything else?
• Are there any subjects you are worried about this year?
• What are three things you'd like to learn about this year?
• How do you think being in year X will be different from being in year Y?
• What's one thing from last year that you did that you'd like to change this year?
• Do you have any worries about your teacher this year?
• What do you think will be the best thing about your teacher this year?
• What's something you think you did well at school last year you'd like to do again this year?
• Is there anything I can do this year to help make homework more fun or easier for you
• Good luck with the coming week!

Kirrilie

On the theme of back-to-school, our online resource Calm Kid Central has a helpful video and tip sheet for parents/carers called '6 important things families who have calmer "before school" mornings do regularly'. There are also videos and tip sheets for parents/carers who'd like further help around asking questions. To find out more, click below.

If you have any concerns about your child starting school again this year, or your child needs some help in managing worry, frustration or improving learning skills - feel free to give us a call on 8357 1711 to make an appointment.  Medicare rebates available. Click here for more information about our counselling services.

Children waking you up at night? You deserve a medal!

I just read a study which surprised me, and then everything made sense.

A psychologist took a group of people, and assessed their cognitive skills and their mood after a normal nights' sleep.  They then either sleep deprived these people by only letting them sleep for four hours for the entire night OR they let them sleep eight hours, but woke them up four times during the night and made them stay awake for 15 minutes each time.

Not surprisingly, after the sleep deprivation, people were much worse at paying attention, solving problems and reported that their mood was not good.

But the really interesting thing:  there was NO significant difference between the people who had only been allowed to sleep four hours compared to the people who had eight hours with interruptions.  Getting interrupted sleep was just as bad for mood and thinking as only getting a paltry four solid hours.

Are you being woken up at night by a child?  It's no wonder you sometimes struggle the following day.  Despite being asleep for an eight hour period, your interruptions mean you may as well have got four hours.

Another reason to be compassionate towards yourself if you feel tired and cranky!

6 things about gaming parents of teens might find helpful to know

1.  Gaming is everywhere.  Online, mobile and console gaming is a billion dollar industry - it's bigger than Hollywood.  Half a billion people worldwide play online/computer/mobile/console games for at least half an hour a day - and only 25% of regular gamers are under 18.

2.  There are great things about gaming.  Regular gamers have better visual spatial skills than those who don't play.  After gaming, people do better on some cognitive tests.  Gaming has been found with decrease in stress and depression for many people in experimental trials.  Gaming is often social - people are playing, together online to solve problems.  And gaming is moving into solving real world problems - health, aid and social organisations are moving towards using gaming to get people to act prosocially and solve personal and world dilemmas.

3.  There is also a dark side to gaming.  Many games are professionally designed by psychologists and marketers to be addictive.  It is easy to spend increasing numbers of hours on games and to sacrifice other important areas of life in the pursuit of a gaming goal.  There are many teens (and adults) who are genuinely addicted to playing games.  Also, many games are violent and disturbing.  There is some - inconclusive but worrying - evidence that for some people playing violent games may increase they chance of them behaving in anti-social ways.  Finally, gaming is interfering with a generation of teenagers' sleep.  Watching that brightly lit screen late at night stops young people from sleeping well, which leads to tired, irritable and amotivated students.

4.  What matters more than time spent gaming is time not spent doing other things.  Every hour spent on gaming is a hour not spent doing something else.  What could the teenager be doing instead of gaming?  If it was simply watching TV or another arguably low importance task - then maybe gaming is a great stress-relieving, thinking skill-developing task.  If it was getting extra sleep or finishing off an overdue assignment - then maybe the gaming time is not well spent.

5.  It’s usually helpful for parents/caregivers to be cheerful about gaming. Being relentless negative about something a teenager loves to do is only going to turn them away from the most important people in their life - us.  Show interest in their gaming, ask questions about it, play with them, be happy for them when they pass a level.

6.  It’s usually helpful for parents/caregivers to be cheeful about gaming AND AT THE SAME TIME - SET RULES.  We should try to avoid nagging and lecturing and instead pleasantly set the rules and stick to them.  "You game when this happens, between these hours, only this game and not that, not at this time and only when this happens.  We will review the rules on this date".  And then stick to it.  Don't walk away and expect them to follow the rules.  Be there, and try to make sure it happens.*

*This is extremely hard. It’s much harder for children and teens with emotional, physical or psychological health challenges. It’s almost impossible for these families at times. In my humble opinion, we should not be judging parents/caregivers who can’t do this and instead, find ways to support them.

Busy? 5 Ways to be a better parent: WITHOUT spending any more time

I've read some articles recently about some terrific parent/young person relationship building strategies. 

They're really great ideas.  They would definitely increase closeness and connection between young people and parents.

But they also take a whole lot of time, and money.  (Think craft activities which involve copious amounts of paint and glue.  Shopping expeditions with teens.  Overnight camping trips.  Rock climbing adventures.)  For busy parents, guilt arises - "when are we going to fit that in?"

It's definitely true that sometimes as parents, we need to put the rest of our lives aside and spend good, long amounts of time with our kids and teens.  Parenting can't be shoved in between work,housework and social engagements.

But wouldn't it be nice if there were also ways we could connect with our kids - that were just really fast?

Actually, I think there are.  Try these five.

1. Use car time

Most parents spend time ferrying kids around.  This car time can be great quality time - if used well.  Have a rule which says "no headphones, reading or phone use in the car".  Or if it's too late for that and you have older kids, say "no headphones, reading or phone use for the front seat passenger".  Make car time - conversation time.  Teach kids and teens to ask you questions.  You ask them questions (not just about school).  Tell them about your day.  Let them choose the music.  Use that dead time to try to connect, where you can.

2. Use email/texts/notes to communicate during the school day

Some parents have a few minutes during the day, or at least a few more minutes than they have during the crazy morning routine/tea/homework times of the day.   Unfortunately at this point, kids and teens are at school and we can't talk to them.  

But we can still send a message.  For older kids and teens - we can send a text or email.  Depending on school rules, they might not be able to respond or even see it until after school - but if we do it during the day at least it's done.  For kids without technology we can write a quick note for them to find under pillow, or ready for the next days' lunch box.

Send or write "I'm proud of you ...I love you.... or well done on..... or hope you are coping with..." messages when you have a minute during the day.

3.  Use chore time

Many of us have endless amounts of cleaning up, washing and cooking to do at home.  Sometimes it's hard to connect with young people during our chore time as they are either off during their own thing, or we are busy concentrating on what we have to do.  

But if we can a) convince young people to hang out with us a bit during this time, and b) find a low concentration way of doing this - then chore time can be a valuable way of connecting.  

One way of doing this is through music, or video.  We can ask young people to bring their device to us, and get them to play us something while we are cooking, cleaning or putting washing away.  We can ask them about it, laugh about it together and at least find out about what they are listening to.

4.  Use eating time

We have to eat.  Kids have to eat.  If we can do it together, quality time can occur.  

It's not easy to do this - for many families dinner time is the most stressful bit of the day - especially if we get ourselves hung up on how much kids eat (never a good idea by the way).  

But if we can relax about this, and realise the more important aspect of eating together is not nutrition but connection - then it can work well.  

(Some families are too big to have good connection over dinner, in which case they divide and conquer - Mum/daughter eating times can happen once a week for example where a couple of people take their dinner to the outside table or somewhere else).

5.  Use homework time

Some parents are having to spend hours each week with a child helping them with homework.  This is not generally quality connection time:  both child and parent are doing something they don't particularly want to do.  Unfortunately, much of the time, this has to happen.

But sometimes, maybe just once a week or so - skip homework and play a boardgame.  Or watch a TED talk together.  Or you read a book they like.  Okay, they might not go so well on their spelling test that week, but they will have been exposed to a different kind of learning.  And more importantly you will have had an opportunity to connect with them.

Parenting doesn't always require marathon clay making sessions.  As with lots of things in life, sometimes a little bit often trumps extended time less often.

Teaching kids to play co-operatively - some example rules

Updated Aug 2022

All children find it tough to play co-operatively together at times, and experience conflict and arguments when they play with each other.

Children with emotional, mental health and life challenges may find it even harder to manage play with others. There are no quick and easy answers to helping children play co-operatively together, however slowly over time we can teach them, specifically and slowly - skills to do this better.  

One of the strategies which help some kids is to brainstorm with them - rules or guidelines they can have when they play with their siblings or friends. We can ask them what rules might help them play well with others and suggest our own.

We can then coach them to both suggest the rules to their peers, negotiate with them and follow the rules themselves.

Easier said than done of course!

But even the experience of talking about this can help children in their process of learning. Here are some example rules which we can suggest to children and see what they think:

Rule Ideas for Kids Playing Together

- No-one HAS to play a game.

• If someone wants someone to play and the other person doesn’t want to – they can offer a deal:  “if you play X with me for X minutes, then I will play Y with you for X minutes”

• BEFORE the game is started, everyone has to say the rules, ESPECIALLY THE rules about TRICKY BITS that caused a fight in the past.
  

• Everyone uses at least one KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCE while playing the game. 

KIND GAME PLAYING SENTENCES might include:

“Good shot”

“Have another go”

“You go first”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Bad luck”

Or anything that makes another player feel good.

• All players know that problems happen in games.  This is okay.  When a problem comes up, no-one is allowed to say “cheater” or “cheated”.  Instead they use a soft voice and say:

“I think……………(say the problem)” OR

“Can you please…………..(say what they want)” OR

“Let’s take a break” OR

“Let’s ask Mum/Dad for help” OR

“No big deal, let's just keep playing”

• If kids feel frustrated in a game they say: “I need a five minute time out” and they do something else for a very little while.  Players then come back to the game and try again.

• Screaming, yelling, hitting or hurting are never allowed.

• At the end of the game, the losing player(s) say “CONGRATULATIONS” to the winner.  The winning player(s) say “Good Game” to the losing player(s).

• The Winner always packs up.

When helping children to play together using these rules, its best for them to practice, rather than just talk about these rules. This is especially important for children with challenges and who need support learning new skills.

We can get them to play an example game together, following these rules, while we watch them for ten minutes.  While we are watching, we might.

1. Coach and prompt them ("can you remember some kind sentences to say", "now's the time to say "let's take a break", say it softly please, "remember what do you do BEFORE you start the game", "let's pretend someone breaks a rule - what will you do?")

2. Praise and thank them ("wow, great kind sentence", "nice work on using a calm voice, I'm so impressed", "You're such a good sport to remember to say congratulations", "hey you guys solved that problem so maturely all on your own").

Before you know it, the fights over games will disappear, and you will have taught them vital life skills they will appreciate forever.

Well, in theory. :)

In practice, what will happen is that the fights may happen a tiny bit less often, and slowly over time children will learn more skills in playing well together.  

***

Our online resource Calm Kid Central has helpful videos and activity sheets for children on the skills we need to make and keep friends. There is also a video and tip sheet for parent/carers on coaching our kids in these skills. To find out more, click below.