This is why parents with more than one kid/teen need more than one set of rules

Any parent with more than one child knows that their kids have vastly different personalities, strengths, weaknesses and interests.

Because of this, they will have different things they need us as parents to do for them.

Some young people need our help with reassurance and help coping with worries.  Some need our help managing their frustration.  Some need help resolving conflict.  Some need help with maintaining concentration and attention with homework.

Some need help to find things to do on their own, some need help initiating contact with others.

If kids and teens have different personalities and different needs from us as parents - why do we try to have the same rules for children?  

Because we want our children to see us as fair.

Because we have to deal with their frustration.

To be honest, it's just easier to set one set of rules for all the kids/teens, or just vary the rules according to age alone.

Unfortunately the less hassle comes at the expense of coming up with the guidelines, systems and rules for each of our young people that they individually need and will benefit from.

My advice is this:

Have different rules for different kids and teens  -  based on what they really need from you - not based on what other our other children have needed.

Keep teaching kids and teens about the difference between simple equality and true equity.  Use the picture above as a starter.

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P.S. You asked for it!

Thanks so much for completing my survey last newsletter.  Over 100 of you responded to tell me what you do and don't want from these emails.  

The vast majority asked for more frequent emails - but for them to be short!

So as of today I have committed to providing fortnightly, brief articles about supporting kids and teens - quick and practical tips about helping kids through tough times, build resiliencey and cope with frustration, worry and sadness.  You also suggested you would like short videos too, so on occasion I will send you 3 minute video with ideas too.  The short articles and videos will be here on the blog, but I will send you an email so you know the topic and when they arrive.

Really appreciate your feedback.  As always, if you have something else you would like to add please feel free to email me directly any time at developingminds.net.au

(Did you win?!?! We have randomly selected people who responded to receive a free copy of When Life Sucks for Teens: tips, tactics and ideas for teens in commonly faced tough life situations)

13 Questions to ask kids/teens before they get a new game

We've had disturbing reports this week about a game which "locks out" players for increasingly long periods of time if they don't play every day, leading to kids having melt downs as they realise all their progress will be lost. Apparently this game locks out players for periods of time from 5 minutes to 5 days if they are not playing at certain intervals.

Of course the parents of this child had no idea this function was built into the game.  That's been my experience often with parents - they just don't know about what is happening in games until the young person is well and truly addicted - and at that point, its much harder to do something about.

So - here is a list of questions I think as parents we must be asking before we allow our young people to buy a new game.  

This is only the first step - once we have the answers - we still have to decide whether the game is appropriate or not, but at least we will have the necessary information in order to make this decision.

1. Does this game have a rating?

2. What is the main purpose of this game?

3. Does this game let you play with or talk to other people while you are playing? Can you turn that function off?

4. Do people get shot, injured or hurt in any way in this game?

5. Is there sex, or talking about sex in the game? How about drugs?

6. Can you pause this game or save the game at any point during the game? What happens if you need to turn this game off quickly?

7. Is there any reason people might like to play this game at particular times of day or night?

8. What about this game seems fun to you?

9. Do you think there is any other benefits to playing this game (other than fun)?

10. Do any of your friends play this game?

11. Are there any ads shown next to or inside this game?

12. Is there any option to buy something inside this game which helps you go further?

13. Does this game lock you out for a certain amount of time if you don't play it?

If you are having trouble with coping with your child or teen's gaming habits and would like to explore this in counselling sessions with our psychologists, please click here.

Top 20 questions to ask your TEEN before they return to school next week

Following on from my blog yesterday about questions to ask your primary school child before they start school, here is the equivalent version for parents/teachers of teens.

Yes, some teens are harder to have this kind of conversation with compared to kids. But I've worked with many hundreds teens over the last 20 years, and I think the "teenagers don't talk" stereotype is exaggerated.  Although teens are more likely to grunt, walk off and sign mid conversation than the average 9 year old - this is often because they - often accuratey - get the sense that the conversation is an excuse for us adults to give advice, sneak a quick lecture in or interrogate them for our own purposes.

I've found that when I am genuinely curious, interested in and gentle with teenagers, they often can't stop telling me what they think.

Sure, school isnt the most interesting topic for teens - but if we can ask them about topics slightly wider than just school grades/assignments, they will often become more interested in the conversation and will share lots of great stuff.

Here are some question ideas.  Remember, with teens, keep it casual, light, do something while you are talking to them (fold laundry, drive the car, walk the dog) and make it about finding out about them, not giving advice.  Don't feel the need to ask all of these questions below - stop when they've had enough, but maybe ask a few more next week.

• What do you think will be different about being in Year X compared to last year?
• Is there anyone in particular you are looking forward to seeing?
• What subjects do you think will be the most challenging for you?
• Are there any subjects you are looking forward to?
• If you could choose your teachers for each subject, who would you want?
• How do you think your friends feel about going back to school?
• Is there anything about any subjects at school this year that makes you worried?
• If you could choose some students in your year to permanently move to Iceland, who would you pick?
• Is there anything I can do to help you enjoy the year this year?
• Do you have any thoughts about how much homework you expect there to be?
• Is there anything you want to do differently with homework this year?
• What do you feel you did pretty well last year - not so much with grades, but with study habits or organisation?
• Do you have any personal goals for yourself this year?  Anything to do with music, or sport, or other hobbies, or perhaps your health or dealing with people any differently?
• Do you think there is likely to be any conflict in your group of friends this year?
• Do you want to mostly hang out with the same people this year, or get to know others?
• Any kinds of food you want to pack more for lunch this year?
• Is there anything about last school year, that you felt embarrassed or upset about, that you wanted to tell me but felt like you couldn't at the time?
• Is there anything I can do to help you feel like it's easier to talk to me or tell me stuff?
• Do you have any study goals for the year - like grades, or perhaps the kinds of things you want to do/not do in class or in frees?
• Do you have any thoughts about new habits around exercise, sleep or other health areas this year?
• Any ideas about how we should handle things we disagree about when it comes to school work or homework this year?

Good luck!

Kirrilie

Clinical Psychologist Specialising in working with kids and teens

If you have any concerns about your teen starting school again this year, or your teen needs some help in improving their study skills, motivation or ability to manage stress or worry - feel free to give us a call on 8357 1711 to make an appointment. Medicare rebates available.  We can also see parents for 1-2 sessions to help support teens, if the teen is not interested in attending the appointment.  Click here for more information about our counselling services.

Top 20 questions to ask your primary school child before they return to school next week

In two short days the school year starts again.  Yes, we are a very two short days away from lunch box packing, school drop offs and misplacing school uniform items.  If you are a parent of a school aged child then you possibly have been covering books (top tip:  schoolbook covers BEST THING EVER.  Rolls of contact - never need to see you again in my life) and fishing out bananas from December school bags.  Or perhaps like me, you'll leave that till the night before.  

But there's a more important thing to do before school goes back.  And that's to have a conversation with our kids about how they feel about the school year, what their goals are, their worries, what they are looking forward to and how we can support them this year.  

If you haven't done this yet - make the time.  It doesnt have to be a lengthy conversation or a serious and meaningful one.  But a short chat often alerts us to helpful info, gets children thinking and reminds them that we are interested in their lives.

Can't think of what to ask?  Here are some question ideas to get you thinking.  Don't feel the need to cover all of these, and don't make it an interrogation.  But asking just a few of these might really help your child - even more than not having a squished banana in their bag.

• What are you looking forward to about being in year X?
• What 3 friends are you most looking forward to catching up with in the first week?
• What kinds of books would you like to read this year?
• Is there anyone in your class this year you are worried about getting along with this year?
• How could you be even kinder to other kids at school this year?
• What 3 things you most like to pack in your lunch box this year?
• What can you do if you feel worried or upset about somehing at school this year?
• What's one with I can do differently as your mum/dad this year to help you have a great school year?  Is there anything else?
• Are there any subjects you are worried about this year?
• What are three things you'd like to learn about this year?
• How do you think being in year X will be different from being in year Y?
• What's one thing from last year that you did that you'd like to change this year?
• Do you have any worries about your teacher this year?
• What do you think will be the best thing about your teacher this year?
• What's something you think you did well at school last year you'd like to do again this year?
• Is there anything I can do this year to help make homework more fun or easier for you
• Good luck with the coming week!

Kirrilie

On the theme of back-to-school, our online resource Calm Kid Central has a helpful video and tip sheet for parents/carers called '6 important things families who have calmer "before school" mornings do regularly'. There are also videos and tip sheets for parents/carers who'd like further help around asking questions. To find out more, click below.

If you have any concerns about your child starting school again this year, or your child needs some help in managing worry, frustration or improving learning skills - feel free to give us a call on 8357 1711 to make an appointment.  Medicare rebates available. Click here for more information about our counselling services.

Children waking you up at night? You deserve a medal!

I just read a study which surprised me, and then everything made sense.

A psychologist took a group of people, and assessed their cognitive skills and their mood after a normal nights' sleep.  They then either sleep deprived these people by only letting them sleep for four hours for the entire night OR they let them sleep eight hours, but woke them up four times during the night and made them stay awake for 15 minutes each time.

Not surprisingly, after the sleep deprivation, people were much worse at paying attention, solving problems and reported that their mood was not good.

But the really interesting thing:  there was NO significant difference between the people who had only been allowed to sleep four hours compared to the people who had eight hours with interruptions.  Getting interrupted sleep was just as bad for mood and thinking as only getting a paltry four solid hours.

Are you being woken up at night by a child?  It's no wonder you sometimes struggle the following day.  Despite being asleep for an eight hour period, your interruptions mean you may as well have got four hours.

Another reason to be compassionate towards yourself if you feel tired and cranky!