I was talking to Hallie* yesterday in the clinic about her 11 and 14 year olds and she said:  “once upon a time, I had two happy, cheery and positive children.  Now, they don’t stop complaining, being miserable and unhappy about something in their day…it’s depressing me! Where are my happy kids gone?"

Hallie's kids is pretty normal.  

Here’s what to know about miserable preteens and teens:

A universal refrain sweeps the country at 3.30pm each night.  It goes like this:

Parent: So, how was your day?
Child/teen: fine.
Parent: What happened?
Child: Nothing happened.  I told you.  It was fine.

It's not always easy to get young people to tell us about what happened at school.  There are two primary reasons for this.

Reason 1. They DON'T WANT to talk about it.  

Talking about what HAS already happened at school is kind of boring.  Been there, done that.  It's tiring.  They have more interesting things to think about.  For teens, they might not want to talk to parents about their day in an attempt to be independent.  They might not want to share details which might mean they experience problems later (if I tell you about a hard maths lesson, will you make me do maths homework?  if I tell you about a friend saying something hurtful, will you try to stop me seeing them later?)

Reason 2. They FIND IT HARD to talk about it.

This past week we've discovered that one of my kids has been living with a significant hearing impairment for some time.  I, being the attentive, in tune and observant mother that I am - had no flipping idea.  I only took him to the appointment because his Dad was concerned, and the kids and I happened to have a morning free.

Of course once the results were in, (and naturally this was in front of the hearing professional), my child told me that his teacher has regularly been frustrated with him for not paying attention (first I've heard of it); that apparently all the headphones in our house "are broken" (I'd already bought him four pairs); and that the teacher he hears the best at school is coincidentally the one who has an amplification system in her room (okay, maybe he mentioned that.  Once.)

The audiologist asked if I'd noticed he didnt hear people speaking in a whisper or low volume..."no", I said. During my late night rumination over the last few days, it has occurred to me that perhaps I never noticed this issue because I tend to use ..ahem....fairly healthy levels of volume when I talk with my children!!

Yes, in case you are wondering, I do feel terrible.  Terrible.

In our offices we have a copy of a book called "Everybody has a Bottom".  It's a book for kids to help them understand that parts of our bodies are private and not for showing or touching other people.

I was transporting it between offices recently and my kids read it aloud with great gusto and laughter.  But it was a perfect opportunity for me to have another conversation with them about what is okay and not okay with regards to bodies and touching, and helping make sure they stay safe.

Maybe you've already talked with your kids about this.  I had too.  But one - or two - conversations are not enough.  Think about how often we have to remind our kids to speak kindly to each other!  Children need reminders at least once a year about this issue.  

We work every day with teens who think about hurting themselves or about dying.  Part of our job is to help parents understand this, and how to respond.  Here's the most important things for adults to know about suicidal thinking and self harm in teens.

Suicidal Thoughts: Many teens who struggle with anxiety, depression or difficult life challenges think about ending their life at some point.   Most commonly these thoughts will be something like “there is no point to life”, “I may as well be dead”, “I don’t want to live anymore”.  Some studies have suggested up to 30% of teens will think about suicide at this level.  Other, more distressed teens, will thoughts like these and ALSO will think about a specific method and time for them to kill themselves.  This is a higher level of suicidal ideation and is less common.