Let me tell you about Cindy. Cindy is the representation of many, many teenage girls I have seen over the last 20 years.  She is 14 and and very self-conscious.  She is desperate for approval by her peers and struggles with anxiety and confidence. 

One day, Cindy looks at herself in the mirror and decides she is fat.  Cindy is not fat.  But she weighs herself and is shocked to find she weighs much more than she did when she last weight herself when she was 10.  She starts to try to lose weight.  She skips some meals.  She tells people she isn't hungry.  She does 100 push ups at night in her room.  She cuts her portion sizes down to tiny amounts.   She weighs herself several times a day.

Cindy loses some weight and is thrilled by this.  The weight loss gives her a sense of power and reward which is very seductive.  So she tries to lose some more weight - and then some more.  

Her parents start to notice her weight loss and reduced eating, and are concerned by it - but they don't feel they can do anything - after all Cindy still eats.  In fact she still eats junk food.  Her weight loss is small. She is only *just* in the underweight category for her BMI.  They don't feel it is their job to question her - or to "force" her to eat more.  After all, she is old enough to make her own eating and exercise decisions.  Isn't she?

Every week we see children, aged from 5 or 6 onwards who say something like this:

"I wish I was dead"
"I wish I'd never been born"
"I want to die"
"If I have to do this/if this happens I will kill myself"
"I want to kill myself"

and so on.

It's very distressing for parents to hear their children say these things.  As parents, our dearest wish often is for our children to have a happy, meaningful life - and hearing these words is often a shocking blow.

Here are some steps you can take if you have heard your child use sentences such as these.

1. Try not to panic.

Many children say something like this at some point, it is not uncommon.  It does not necessarily mean your child is depressed (they may be, but it's not a definitive sign) nor does it doesn't mean there is something else wrong with them.   It doesn't necessarily mean they are hiding something from you, that they are sad "deep down" nor does it necessarily mean they need help.  Of course some children who say "I wish I was dead" ARE depressed, or DO have immediate needs for support, but the words alone don't usually suggest this.  

Last night I missed out on watching a House of Cards episode I'd been really looking forward to, because my husband (who watches it with me) had to work.

It was the one thing which had kept me going during a long day and evening of work and I was really disappointed...So I yelled, cried, screamed and threw things across the room.  

Just kidding.  :)

Actually, I just sighed loudly - and got over it.  But let's unpack WHY I didn't have a meltdown and how I managed it.  

Apparently, somehow parents are doing it wrong compared to the parenting that happened in the 60's and 70's.

Ironically, it seems we as parents today are making one of two completely different mistakes.

These articles claim that either:

We are spending too MUCH time with and energy on our kids and teens - we are over scheduling, overprotecting them, rescuing them from every little harm, trying to force them to talk to us, doing too many craft activities, questioning their teachers too much, spending too much energy on them.  According to these writers, children and teens should be outside playing with sticks in the creek and managing life on their own like we did when we were kids.

Or:

Jeb*, aged 14, came to visit me wanting to do better in tests and exams at school.  He was a smart kid and learnt concepts well – but he just didn’t do well in timed test situations.

As child psychologists, we work with both kids and teens to help them achieve their best at school.  We can’t help them learn the content itself, but we can help with increasing motivation, managing distraction, improving attention and concentration and with what psychologists call “test taking technique”.  The good news for many young people is that making small changes to how you study, and what you do before and in a test situation can make a huge difference to results.

I worked with Jeb on figuring out some better strategies he could use in tests.  We practiced them in session.  He walked away saying he felt much more confident.  I had all my fingers crossed!  And happy day, this week I got an email from him to tell me he’d got full marks in his latest science test.  Hooray! Couldn’t help but do a private little fist pump the air in my office J

Here are 14 ideas you can talk through and practice with your child/teen before they sit tests or exams.  Please note – not all of these ideas will apply to your young person: what works willdepend on the material, the child and the type of test being sat.  Also, there are too many here to work on all at once. You’ll have to pick the most important, discuss them and help them practice them on more than one occasion.

But they do work!