One of the most powerful ways to help children act more calmly, more often – and to reduce angry behavior – is to coach them in developing frustration management skills.   

These skills include the following: 

• Using appropriate language to express their feelings and descires

• Asking for help when needed,

• Using self-soothing strategies,

• Switching attention away from difficult situations,

• Noticing “angry” (blaming, non-empathic, catastrophic) thinking

• Using calm sentences to remind themselves that frustrating situations and behaviours from others are not terrible, not always intentional, often understandable and can be managed.

• Identifying potentially frustrating situations ahead of time (and planning for them);

If we want children to get better at these frustration management skills, we need to tell them why they matter and how to get better at them – and to do this when children are feeling calm. We also need to give children opportunities to practice these skills in low pressure situations.  

If you noticed my italics in these last two sentences, you’ll see that children do not normally learn these skills “in the heat of the moment” when they are angry or frustrated.  Instead, they learn these skills before and after frustrating situations, when both we as parents/caregivers - and children - have the time and state of mind required to talk and practice efficiently.

There is no doubt that biological factors play an important part in causing or contributing to anxiety in young people.  Some research has suggested there is a genetic component to anxiety (e.g. identical twins are more likely to have similar rates of anxiety than non-identical twins).  Other areas of research have identified physiological differences (for example heart rate reactivity, a number of brain structures/processes) between more and less anxious children.  There are other areas of research which have found differences in infant behavior between children who then grow up to be more or less anxious. 

All these fields of study put together indicate that at least some tendencies towards anxiety in humans is “hard wired” into some young people much more strongly than in the average young person.

However there are other research studies which show that aspects of a young person’s environment (in other words what happens to and around them) also influence their anxiety.  Studies have found factors such as early traumatic life experiences, friend and peer relationships, school life, sleep quality, nutritional intake, exercise and technology use – also contribute to how much anxiety children and young people experience.  

Not surprisingly therefore, most psychologists believe it is a combination of biological and environmental factors which cause anxiety in young people.

A few years ago I had to cancel an appointment with an 11 year old girl as I was ill that day.  The next session she bought me a detailed “get well” drawing which she had obviously spent some time on.  It was a lovely gesture which made my day - and I stuck it up on my office wall where it stayed for quite some time.  It also told me something about this child’s strengths in empathy and emotional connection skills.

Many research studies have found that children who frequently act kindly towards other people are more likely than others to do well in many life areas.  For example, a longitudinal (long range) study published in 2015 by Jones and colleagues found that children who showed a much kindness and other “prosocial” behaviour when they were 5 years old had better mental health, lower levels of substance use, better relationships with others and better performance in the workplace when assessed nearly 20 years later (and this “more kind behaviour – better outcomes” relationship held true regardless of low or high school achievement at age 5).  This theme has been replicated in other studies – children and young people who act kindly have better outcomes in many areas.

Many years ago I was mid session with a bright and engaging 5 year old when he looked me in the eyes and tearfully said the following: 

"I'm so ugly.  That’s why no-one wants to play with me". 

As an early career psychologist working with children at that stage, it was a confronting moment.  Like many adults, I'd believed (or perhaps just hoped) that children of this age did not have excessively critical thoughts about themselves the way many adults do. 

Sadly, as my working life progressed, I’ve come to realise this is not true.

Many children and teens are absolutely capable of - and frequently do - view themselves in harsh and negative ways.  Although it some young people do this less than others, and some not until they are older - eventually almost all young people berate, criticise or feel negatively about themselves at least on some occasions during their childhood and adolescence.

When we are angry, we have a strong instinct to express our outrage and needs in strong and emphatic ways.   We use our words to defend ourselves, attack or defeat someone – or something.  

As adults, we are (sometimes) able to disguise or dampen these themes, but in younger people (without fully developed brains) they are often expressed loud and clear.

• James and his brother were playing a ball game which ended in them both yelling “You’re a cheater”, “this is stupid” and “Shut up!”

• Ruby wasn’t bought something she desperately wanted at the shops, and she stomped, cried and shouted “This is so unfair” and “You are so mean” to her Mum.

• Jordi was furious at Sara for telling others something told to her in confidence and texted her:“You’re a liar” and “Don’t ever talk to us again”

• Tom* was asked to get ready for school three times until Dad took the ipad away from him which prompted him to yell: “Give it back to me” and “You’re horrible”

Unfortunately, while it is entirely normal for young people to speak like this at times - not only does it often make them feel worse, it makes people around them less likely to want to be with them, negotiate with or support them.   Which in turn makes them feel worse.