5 tips for getting kids and teens away from gaming this holidays

I don't know about your house, but at my house my kids greet school holidays with great joy....and at least some of that is glee about the increased gaming time they know is coming their way.  I've also spoken to a couple of families this week with older teens who are also dealing with the issue of gaming over holidays.  If you can relate -  here are a few ideas that I think often work.

1. Don't get Mad
I've said it in previous blogs, gaming is not evil.  In moderation, playing computer/video/console games challenges young people, increases some of their cognitive skills, can be an opportunity to hang out with or play with friends and makes life fun.  If you are consistently negative, disappointed or frustrated about your child or teen's enjoyment of gaming - you will alienate them.  This won't help them stop gaming, it will just mean they talk less to you.

2.  Have clear, specific limits for the holidays  
You might have guidelines for gaming during the school terms, but possibly not during the holidays.   If you really don't mind how much gaming they do on holidays then an absence of guidelines is fine.  But if you do care - and you want them to do other things over the next two weeks than be in front of the computer - then you need to have some SPECIFIC holiday guidelines.  "Don't spend all your time on screens" is nowhere near specific enough.    Instead, write down (that old fashioned pen device works quite well in this situation) specific times and conditions for the gaming limits.  For example you might write "Two hours of gaming a day unless we are going out, in which case 90 minutes - half before 12noon and half after".  OR "Gaming every afternoon betwen 2 and 5pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week".  OR "Gaming happens for 1 hour max, 4 times during the day, on 3 days this week".  Even better, if you have younger kids, write out a school holiday schedule and colour in the gaming times. 

If you can't think this far ahead, then tell kids and teens you will tell them the night prior what their gaming times will be the next day.

3.  Distinguish between gaming and other computer based activities.
Many creative and amazing things are done on computers and tablets other than gaming.  For example, website design, reading, writing stories, using art programs, photography, making movies and so on.  You may be happy with your child/teen doing these things so make it clear what are gaming activities, and what are non gaming activities.  In our house, gaming time includes gaming itself on the xbox, computer or tablet, OR watching youtube videos about games OR reading websites about games.  Other computer activities do not count as gaming time and are not subject to the same restrictions.

3.  Monitor what is happening and consistently enforce the rules
Once we have made the rules, we now need to monitor what young people are doing and make sure they stick to them.  This means we need to be around, watching and keeping an eye on what is happening.  And then to use gentle, persistent, non-negotiable reminders about turning gaming off once the time is up.  It's better to have smaller, less ambitious rules for shorter periods of time than to set up something for the entire holidays that you can't continue to monitor.

4.  Help kids and teens find other fun non gaming activities to do. 
We need to put effort into helping young people both identify fun non gaming activities (at home) and get started on these non gaming activities.  There are lots of websites which provide school holiday game/activity ideas - sit down with your young person and brainstorm.what else they might like to do.  Write a list of holiday activity options with them.  

For teens, this might mean help out with finding part time jobs, work experience, cooking, holiday activities, social opportunities, classes, board game days, exercise/sport options etc.  Some of these things will take time so it might be a good idea to start these longer term ones ready for the next holidays.  

For younger kids kids, you can set up craft activities, play dates, get out boardgames, put out drawing things, get them involved in imaginery play, get out old toys etc.  

Helping young people get engaged in and started on non gaming activities takes some effort usually. Sometimes we need to provide materials, transport and our company in the beginning stages.  Once they have taken an idea and got into it - we can then withdraw gradually.  We will have to do less of this when they get better at entertaining and finding activity options themselves, but this does take some time.

5.  Don't get mad.
Did I say this already?  Try to be patient.  Learning to occupy yourself and find meaningful and enjoyable leisure activity is a hard task for some people - kids, teens and adults alike.  It's a skill which is needs coaching rather than a misbehaviour or a character flaw for us to be disappointed in.

Want help in managing difficult child or teen behaviour or conflict?  Call us for an appointment.

The Teen Grunt: Getting teens and preteens to speak politely

I was at a secondary school yesterday and saw a sign at their student services window saying "Please remember to say please and thank you". Brilliant.  This school had noticed a problem and instituted a brief, respectful and visual reminder, right at the point where the students needed it.

Many of our teens frequently speak rudely, forget their manners and "grunt" in response to questions.  This pushes our buttons because we worry that are teens are turning into rude and disrespectful people, we worry that we aren't parenting well and we just feel hurt.

When a teen forgets to speak politely it can be helpful to do two things:

1. Stay relaxed and try NOT take it personally.  

This is a skill gap, not a personality flaw. Teen brains are still growing.  Manners are an easy thing to forget when you are 15.

2.  Make a mental note that further training is required.

Hearing a teenager speak or act rudely is a cue for adults that we may need to follow this up and do more training.  Further training options include:

a) Conversations (later):  

"Last night when I especially made that dessert for you and brought it in, you didn't say thanks or look at me.  I felt a bit hurt about that, what was going on then?"

"I notice that you sometimes forget to say please when you ask me for things.  What's happening here do you think?" 

b) Making your “manners request” very specific:

Forget nagging teens about being "polite" or "respectful".  This is far too general.  Instead, it can be more helpful to be specific.

When I ask you about your day, I would like you to either tell me something about it or say, "do you mind if we talk about it another time please Dad".  It's up to you, but I need you to choose one of those options. What do you think?. 

When you first see me after coming home from school or work, please say, "Hi Mum" before you say anything else or ask me any questions. Okay with you?

When I drop you off somewhere, before you get out the car, I’d like you to say goodbye before you get out the door. Is that do-able for you?

c) Put low key (visual if possible) reminders in place PRIOR to the situation

Reminders are usually required. IF they can visual, that’s even better.

We might write a couple of "Manners for our house/classroom" rules up and put them somewhere teens see them (preferably somewhere they see them when they need them).

Send a text, email or message reminder every now and then about what you want

Remind teens at the beginning or before a key situation (today you are going to probably want to speak to me about this topic, just a reminder about what I spoke about re: manners yesterday) 

3. Remember that these further training options may not be welcomed by the teen, they may be irritated, hurt, embarrassed and annoyed by them.  It’s okay to do them anyway - cheerfully, calmly and sensitively (avoid any humiliation).

We need to play the long game here, not expect things to change fast - but we should also persist.  Teens with manners are far more well liked by other adults, which is very important for their social acceptance and general well being.

If you would like more help in managing teen or pre teen behaviour, or want support and counselling for your teen, click here on counselling services.

This is why parents with more than one kid/teen need more than one set of rules

Any parent with more than one child knows that their kids have vastly different personalities, strengths, weaknesses and interests.

Because of this, they will have different things they need us as parents to do for them.

Some young people need our help with reassurance and help coping with worries.  Some need our help managing their frustration.  Some need help resolving conflict.  Some need help with maintaining concentration and attention with homework.

Some need help to find things to do on their own, some need help initiating contact with others.

If kids and teens have different personalities and different needs from us as parents - why do we try to have the same rules for children?  

Because we want our children to see us as fair.

Because we have to deal with their frustration.

To be honest, it's just easier to set one set of rules for all the kids/teens, or just vary the rules according to age alone.

Unfortunately the less hassle comes at the expense of coming up with the guidelines, systems and rules for each of our young people that they individually need and will benefit from.

My advice is this:

Have different rules for different kids and teens  -  based on what they really need from you - not based on what other our other children have needed.

Keep teaching kids and teens about the difference between simple equality and true equity.  Use the picture above as a starter.

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P.S. You asked for it!

Thanks so much for completing my survey last newsletter.  Over 100 of you responded to tell me what you do and don't want from these emails.  

The vast majority asked for more frequent emails - but for them to be short!

So as of today I have committed to providing fortnightly, brief articles about supporting kids and teens - quick and practical tips about helping kids through tough times, build resiliencey and cope with frustration, worry and sadness.  You also suggested you would like short videos too, so on occasion I will send you 3 minute video with ideas too.  The short articles and videos will be here on the blog, but I will send you an email so you know the topic and when they arrive.

Really appreciate your feedback.  As always, if you have something else you would like to add please feel free to email me directly any time at developingminds.net.au

(Did you win?!?! We have randomly selected people who responded to receive a free copy of When Life Sucks for Teens: tips, tactics and ideas for teens in commonly faced tough life situations)

13 Questions to ask kids/teens before they get a new game

We've had disturbing reports this week about a game which "locks out" players for increasingly long periods of time if they don't play every day, leading to kids having melt downs as they realise all their progress will be lost. Apparently this game locks out players for periods of time from 5 minutes to 5 days if they are not playing at certain intervals.

Of course the parents of this child had no idea this function was built into the game.  That's been my experience often with parents - they just don't know about what is happening in games until the young person is well and truly addicted - and at that point, its much harder to do something about.

So - here is a list of questions I think as parents we must be asking before we allow our young people to buy a new game.  

This is only the first step - once we have the answers - we still have to decide whether the game is appropriate or not, but at least we will have the necessary information in order to make this decision.

1. Does this game have a rating?

2. What is the main purpose of this game?

3. Does this game let you play with or talk to other people while you are playing? Can you turn that function off?

4. Do people get shot, injured or hurt in any way in this game?

5. Is there sex, or talking about sex in the game? How about drugs?

6. Can you pause this game or save the game at any point during the game? What happens if you need to turn this game off quickly?

7. Is there any reason people might like to play this game at particular times of day or night?

8. What about this game seems fun to you?

9. Do you think there is any other benefits to playing this game (other than fun)?

10. Do any of your friends play this game?

11. Are there any ads shown next to or inside this game?

12. Is there any option to buy something inside this game which helps you go further?

13. Does this game lock you out for a certain amount of time if you don't play it?

If you are having trouble with coping with your child or teen's gaming habits and would like to explore this in counselling sessions with our psychologists, please click here.

Top 20 questions to ask your TEEN before they return to school next week

Following on from my blog yesterday about questions to ask your primary school child before they start school, here is the equivalent version for parents/teachers of teens.

Yes, some teens are harder to have this kind of conversation with compared to kids. But I've worked with many hundreds teens over the last 20 years, and I think the "teenagers don't talk" stereotype is exaggerated.  Although teens are more likely to grunt, walk off and sign mid conversation than the average 9 year old - this is often because they - often accuratey - get the sense that the conversation is an excuse for us adults to give advice, sneak a quick lecture in or interrogate them for our own purposes.

I've found that when I am genuinely curious, interested in and gentle with teenagers, they often can't stop telling me what they think.

Sure, school isnt the most interesting topic for teens - but if we can ask them about topics slightly wider than just school grades/assignments, they will often become more interested in the conversation and will share lots of great stuff.

Here are some question ideas.  Remember, with teens, keep it casual, light, do something while you are talking to them (fold laundry, drive the car, walk the dog) and make it about finding out about them, not giving advice.  Don't feel the need to ask all of these questions below - stop when they've had enough, but maybe ask a few more next week.

• What do you think will be different about being in Year X compared to last year?
• Is there anyone in particular you are looking forward to seeing?
• What subjects do you think will be the most challenging for you?
• Are there any subjects you are looking forward to?
• If you could choose your teachers for each subject, who would you want?
• How do you think your friends feel about going back to school?
• Is there anything about any subjects at school this year that makes you worried?
• If you could choose some students in your year to permanently move to Iceland, who would you pick?
• Is there anything I can do to help you enjoy the year this year?
• Do you have any thoughts about how much homework you expect there to be?
• Is there anything you want to do differently with homework this year?
• What do you feel you did pretty well last year - not so much with grades, but with study habits or organisation?
• Do you have any personal goals for yourself this year?  Anything to do with music, or sport, or other hobbies, or perhaps your health or dealing with people any differently?
• Do you think there is likely to be any conflict in your group of friends this year?
• Do you want to mostly hang out with the same people this year, or get to know others?
• Any kinds of food you want to pack more for lunch this year?
• Is there anything about last school year, that you felt embarrassed or upset about, that you wanted to tell me but felt like you couldn't at the time?
• Is there anything I can do to help you feel like it's easier to talk to me or tell me stuff?
• Do you have any study goals for the year - like grades, or perhaps the kinds of things you want to do/not do in class or in frees?
• Do you have any thoughts about new habits around exercise, sleep or other health areas this year?
• Any ideas about how we should handle things we disagree about when it comes to school work or homework this year?

Good luck!

Kirrilie

Clinical Psychologist Specialising in working with kids and teens

If you have any concerns about your teen starting school again this year, or your teen needs some help in improving their study skills, motivation or ability to manage stress or worry - feel free to give us a call on 8357 1711 to make an appointment. Medicare rebates available.  We can also see parents for 1-2 sessions to help support teens, if the teen is not interested in attending the appointment.  Click here for more information about our counselling services.