Three things researchers tell us about “warm” parent/teen relationships

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Three things researchers tell us about “warm” parent/teen relationships

Common sense tells us that when parents and teenagers get on well, and feel good about their relationships with each other, things go better.

But common sense is backed up by research which tells us specifically what a warm parent-teen relationship does.  Here are three key research findings.

When researchers ask teens to rate how warm and supportive their parents are, they find that:

When parents are rated as warm and supportive, teens are less likely to engage in risky behaviour (eg abuse of alcohol, risky sexual practices).

When parents are rated as warm and supportive, teens are more accepting of their parents monitoring their behaviour (ie knowing what they are doing across the week - at school, at home and with friends).    This is important because in previous studies, higher parental monitoring is associated with better school performance and other success indicators.

When parents are rated as warm and supportive, teens are more likely to tell their parents about the difficult situations in their lives.

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What makes criticism of kids & teens backfire big time (and 5 ways to avoid it)

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What makes criticism of kids & teens backfire big time (and 5 ways to avoid it)

Last week I had "one of those days" and nothing was going right.  Out of frustration, I harshly criticised my husband.  Later, when things settled down, I felt a strong sense of shame.

And unlike other times when I've been critical - times when I've been able to apologise and reach out - on this occasion, my strong sense of shame lead to me shutting down.  I felt sad, helpless, angry and unable to do anything positive towards fixing what had happened.

Eventually, I "unfroze", apologised and it got sorted out.  But it took a few hours.

This experience was a powerful reminder for me that shame does not help people act in positive ways.  
Shame freezes, it shuts down learning, stops positive behaviour and stifles relationships.

If we want kids and teens to change their behaviour, we need to do everything we can to avoid our kids and teens feeling shame.

Does this mean we avoid correcting children and young people?

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4 things to know about feeling resentful towards kids/teens

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4 things to know about feeling resentful towards kids/teens

1.     It’s not your fault and you are not a bad parent. 

Powerful evolutionary forces make us instinctively move away from people who hurt us.   Kids and teens hurt us.  They hurt us big time.  

Put that hurt together with the amount of time, energy and stuff we give our kids – this means resentment is unavoidable for most parents.  Resentment comes from an instinct deep in the brain.   Be kind to yourself – if you are feeling resentful, you are hurting.

2. Resentment comes from a mismatch between expectations and reality. 

We expect that kids and teens, having GOT SO MUCH from us, will appreciate us and do the right thing by us.  They have sucked the very lifeblood out of us, is it not too much to ask that they do what we ask the first time? 

Unfortunately our expectations are not in line with reality.  Here's reality:

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5 tips for getting kids and teens away from gaming this holidays

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kids teens therapist

I don't know about your house, but at my house my kids greet school holidays with great joy....and at least some of that is glee about the increased gaming time they know is coming their way.  I've also spoken to a couple of families this week with older teens who are also dealing with the issue of gaming over holidays.  If you can relate -  here are a few ideas that I think often work.

1. Don't get Mad
I've said it in previous blogs, gaming is not evil.  In moderation, playing computer/video/console games challenges young people, increases some of their cognitive skills, can be an opportunity to hang out with or play with friends and makes life fun.  If you are consistently negative, disappointed or frustrated about your child or teen's enjoyment of gaming - you will alienate them.  This won't help them stop gaming, it will just mean they talk less to you.

2.  Have clear, specific limits for the holidays  
You might have guidelines for gaming during the school terms, but possibly not during the holidays.   If you really don't mind how much gaming they do on holidays then an absence of guidelines is fine.  But if you do care - and you want them to do other things over the next two weeks than be in front of the computer - then you need to have some SPECIFIC holiday guidelines.  "Don't spend all your time on screens" is nowhere near specific enough.    Instead, write down (that old fashioned pen device works quite well in this situation) specific times and conditions for the gaming limits.  For example you might write "Two hours of gaming a day unless we are going out, in which case 90 minutes - half before 12noon and half after".  OR "Gaming every afternoon betwen 2 and 5pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week".  OR "Gaming happens for 1 hour max, 4 times during the day, on 3 days this week".  Even better, if you have younger kids, write out a school holiday schedule and colour in the gaming times. 

If you can't think this far ahead, then tell kids and teens you will tell them the night prior what their gaming times will be the next day.

3.  Distinguish between gaming and other computer based activities.
Many creative and amazing things are done on computers and tablets other than gaming.  For example, website design, reading, writing stories, using art programs, photography, making movies and so on.  You may be happy with your child/teen doing these things so make it clear what are gaming activities, and what are non gaming activities.  In our house, gaming time includes gaming itself on the xbox, computer or tablet, OR watching youtube videos about games OR reading websites about games.  Other computer activities do not count as gaming time and are not subject to the same restrictions.

3.  Monitor what is happening and consistently enforce the rules
Once we have made the rules, we now need to monitor what young people are doing and make sure they stick to them.  This means we need to be around, watching and keeping an eye on what is happening.  And then to use gentle, persistent, non-negotiable reminders about turning gaming off once the time is up.  It's better to have smaller, less ambitious rules for shorter periods of time than to set up something for the entire holidays that you can't continue to monitor.

4.  Help kids and teens find other fun non gaming activities to do. 
We need to put effort into helping young people both identify fun non gaming activities (at home) and get started on these non gaming activities.  There are lots of websites which provide school holiday game/activity ideas - sit down with your young person and brainstorm.what else they might like to do.  Write a list of holiday activity options with them.  

For teens, this might mean help out with finding part time jobs, work experience, cooking, holiday activities, social opportunities, classes, board game days, exercise/sport options etc.  Some of these things will take time so it might be a good idea to start these longer term ones ready for the next holidays.  

For younger kids kids, you can set up craft activities, play dates, get out boardgames, put out drawing things, get them involved in imaginery play, get out old toys etc.  

Helping young people get engaged in and started on non gaming activities takes some effort usually. Sometimes we need to provide materials, transport and our company in the beginning stages.  Once they have taken an idea and got into it - we can then withdraw gradually.  We will have to do less of this when they get better at entertaining and finding activity options themselves, but this does take some time.

5.  Don't get mad.
Did I say this already?  Try to be patient.  Learning to occupy yourself and find meaningful and enjoyable leisure activity is a hard task for some people - kids, teens and adults alike.  It's a skill which is needs coaching rather than a misbehaviour or a character flaw for us to be disappointed in.

Want help in managing difficult child or teen behaviour or conflict?  Call us for an appointment.

The Teen Grunt: Getting teens and preteens to speak politely

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I was at a secondary school yesterday and saw a sign at their student services window saying "Please remember to say please and thank you". Brilliant.  This school had noticed a problem and instituted a brief, respectful and visual reminder, right at the point where the students needed it.

Many of our teens frequently speak rudely, forget their manners and "grunt" in response to questions.  This pushes our buttons because we worry that are teens are turning into rude and disrespectful people, we worry that we aren't parenting well and we just feel hurt.

When a teen forgets to speak politely it can be helpful to do two things:

1. Stay relaxed and try NOT take it personally.  

This is a skill gap, not a personality flaw. Teen brains are still growing.  Manners are an easy thing to forget when you are 15.

2.  Make a mental note that further training is required.

Hearing a teenager speak or act rudely is a cue for adults that we may need to follow this up and do more training.  Further training options include:

a) Conversations (later):  

"Last night when I especially made that dessert for you and brought it in, you didn't say thanks or look at me.  I felt a bit hurt about that, what was going on then?"

"I notice that you sometimes forget to say please when you ask me for things.  What's happening here do you think?" 

b) Making your “manners request” very specific:

Forget nagging teens about being "polite" or "respectful".  This is far too general.  Instead, it can be more helpful to be specific.

When I ask you about your day, I would like you to either tell me something about it or say, "do you mind if we talk about it another time please Dad".  It's up to you, but I need you to choose one of those options. What do you think?. 

When you first see me after coming home from school or work, please say, "Hi Mum" before you say anything else or ask me any questions. Okay with you?

When I drop you off somewhere, before you get out the car, I’d like you to say goodbye before you get out the door. Is that do-able for you?

c) Put low key (visual if possible) reminders in place PRIOR to the situation

Reminders are usually required. IF they can visual, that’s even better.

We might write a couple of "Manners for our house/classroom" rules up and put them somewhere teens see them (preferably somewhere they see them when they need them).

Send a text, email or message reminder every now and then about what you want

Remind teens at the beginning or before a key situation (today you are going to probably want to speak to me about this topic, just a reminder about what I spoke about re: manners yesterday) 

3. Remember that these further training options may not be welcomed by the teen, they may be irritated, hurt, embarrassed and annoyed by them.  It’s okay to do them anyway - cheerfully, calmly and sensitively (avoid any humiliation).

We need to play the long game here, not expect things to change fast - but we should also persist.  Teens with manners are far more well liked by other adults, which is very important for their social acceptance and general well being.

If you would like more help in managing teen or pre teen behaviour, or want support and counselling for your teen, click here on counselling services.